Real Housewives of New Jersey
Child's Play No More

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: B- | Grade It Now!

Meanwhile, Lauren finds Caroline cleaning out her closet from all of the clothes that don't fit her anymore since she lost weight. The activity inspires Lauren to express her frustration about her weight plateau. Caroline urges her to exercise. Lauren worries that, regardless of her size, she'll never feel good about herself. This sadness makes Caroline cry. She gives Lauren a pep talk to inspire her to realize her beauty is within because only that will allow her to be okay with her body one day.

The next day, Bratshley looks over pictures of her dad and stepmom from the other night. Jacqueline appreciates how much Bratz loves her dad but admits that it hurts sometimes the she doesn't get the same respect. She asks if Bratz if going out that night. The answer, of course, is yes. Jacqueline thinks she dedicates too much of her energy to going out and hopes her dad's influence will be positive. Jacqueline asks what Bratshley's plan for school is, and Bratz says she's looking into moving to California. Jacqueline's all, "On whose dime, missy?" Bratz thinks she'll get out there and get a job, and everything will be copacetic. You know, just like in Burlesque. Bratz says she wants to go somewhere where she can focus on herself. Clearly, she's been deprived of that on the East Coast. Poor thing. She murmurs something about being away from "toxic people." Whatever that means.

Elsewhere, Kathy and Victoria go shopping for formal dresses. And it. Is. Horrible. First there's a ruched bright green number with a clump of simulated flowers in place of a single sleeve. Then there's an iridescent travesty with a mullet hemline. Then there's a one-shoulder brown and blue sequined situation. Then a blue sequined pageant dress with a sheer ass (save for some sequin trails) and a mermaid skirt. No, Victoria. Just no. Kathy thinks Victoria is too young for these sexy dresses, but Victoria's, like, "I'm 17 mooooooom." You remember being that young and thinking you were a fully formed person? Hahahaha. Thems were the days.

Speaking of people who don't know anything, Kathy decides to have "the talk" in the middle of this store. On the upside, they're the only people there. On the downside, they're the only people there, which means the salesgirls are hanging on every cringe-inducing word coming out of Kathy's mouth. Victoria plays her hand all wrong and mentions then and there that her friends are thinking of getting a party bus. Wrong place and time, flossy. In between panic attacks, Kathy recalls her own courtship with Rich and insists that he always treated her like a lady. To her credit, Kathy actually does maintain an even timbre in her voice and assures Victoria that she's not concerned Victoria's going to step out of line so much as her friends. They really do seem to have a solid, trusting relationship. Though the fact that they're just having "the talk" now is a little concerning. Whatever, I'd take Kathy as my Jersey Housewives mom any day. As long as she promised never to wear that horrendi-Gaga outfit again.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey




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