Real Housewives of New Jersey
A Manzo of Her Word

Episode Report Card
Potes: B | 2 USERS: A+
Rosie Explains It All

Previously on Masterpiece Presents: The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Playdategate 2013. May you please send me the address and time. We also got a peek of what life is like with Jacqueline's autistic, iPad-loving son, and Joe Gorga and Caroline maybe made out. WITH TONGUE.

We enter at the Giudice house, where it is dinner time. Instead of eating raw grubs, which their collective countenance would suggest, Teresa is making the kids' "favorite," something-or-other and beans. Milania is helping, in a shirt with cut out shoulders, like she's Prince of Tides era Barbra Streisand wearing Donna Karan. As a fashion inspiration, I have to say she could have done worse, and hopefully she has the sense to still be outraged by Babs's Oscar snub. Gia gives Milania grief about how she's going to laugh when Milania is disfigured by hot oil. Milania is not amused. Gabriella and Audriana stay mostly silent, pleased with the recessive genes that have given them regularly-appointed foreheads.

Teresa has a prominently placed copy of her own cookbook on the table, and tells us that she doesn't want her girls to fight like every generation of siblings before them has fought. Good luck with that! Teresa tries telling the girls that if their "Nono" (Gorgan for grandfather) was there he'd give them what-for, and Milania argues that he wouldn't because he's a nice little fella. Milania mocks Teresa as she's talking, and so probably doesn't absorb the lesson that you should feel lucky to have a grandparent around to find your backtalk and abuse charming. The kids then make cards for Nono, who's getting a pacemaker. Teresa explains that a pacemaker will help his heart to beat. She intimates with fear what might happen if his heart stops beating, and Milania yells out enthusiastically, "He dies!" Well, she's not wrong. And then they can bury him in a red bedazzled Fabellini tank top like Teresa's wearing right now. Teresa thinks it would be helpful to have her brother Joe around in this time of family medical situations, but too bad, they are feuding.

At the Gorga house, Joe beans one of the kids in the head with a little football and then tells him not to cry. Parent of the year! Melissa sits on the couch and admires her boots. Real estate agent Jerry Sahlman pays a visit, mostly to tell them that their house hasn't sold. It's been on the market for six months, and Melissa is rather motivated to get the hell away from Teresa and family. Apparently the house has a $3.8 million price tag, and tacky opulence is not exactly in vogue at the moment. Melissa tells us that she goes to church and prays that her house will sell. Does God give a rat about Melissa Gorga? I guess we'll find out on Friday, when Jerry is bringing around some interested buyers with means.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey




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