I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 47 USERS: B
Don't Tell Mom, The Babysitter's Undead
Remy: "Is there a box for century-old Pact that is cursing you and your friends to death?"
Luke: "Uh, Other?"
Remy: "This is a lot more fun with you around. You're a pretty funny guy when you're not weeping uncontrollably or beating on people."
Luke: "Yes, on those rare occasions I'm pretty cool."


Olivia, to voicemail: "Hey Dillon, it's me again. This is just a question, okay?"
Tess: "Oh, girl. No."
Olivia: "Have you gotten any of my many messages about how Springer says your evil? NBD I just want to know, call me when you can. PS, this is not about you taking my virginity and then vanishing like some kind of Angelus asshole. It's strictly a question, as I mentioned earlier. Um, peace."

Tess: "So remind me what happened right before I rammed Springer right in the honey-roasted penis."
Olivia: "He was so crazy it was crazy! All this shit about Dillon, and my mom, and why he did it..."
Tess: "Did what?"
Olivia: "I know, right? At the time I just wanted to get away from all his drunk words and explanations about my life's saddest memories, but on reflection I kind of wish I'd been paying attention."

Olivia: "Anyway, now Mom's gotta find a guardian for us, in case she has to 'go away' for a while."
Tess: "That would be handled by the lawyer Collins found for her?"
Olivia: "Yeah, which is a whole weird other thing."

Please, please, please let Uncle Collins be their temporary guardian. I would give literally a jar of my own hair to see that shit happen. The babysat becomes the babysitter. And the whole time you're wondering, and eventually the Twins start wondering, if he is just actually their dad. Can you not see it? Uncle Collins, making vampire pancakes and screwing it up, Olivia's refusing carbs, Luke only likes them in the shape of Mickey Mouse like his dead dad used to do, and Collins is just getting more and more frustrated, calling The Grunwald every five minutes until she turns off her phone so he'll have confidence in his parenting and problem-solving abilities, and the whole time they aren't sure how much they are loving making him mad vs. how much of it is that they are secretly coming to love him, and then before you know it they are a kind of family: Collins talks Olivia through her post-virgin experience; helps a begrudging Luke keep his GPA up so he doesn't get thrown off the team, whatever team, and Caleb has to move into the main house to keep shit going there, and he and Miranda form a warm relationship with The Grunwald and Beatrice, and eventually the four of them have to set aside their drama and band together when they take in a foster child: A little girl named Max with nowhere to go.

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