Queer as Folk U.S.
Very Stupid People

Episode Report Card
Camper: C+ | 1 USERS: A+
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Is Everyone Sharing A Brain?

Babylon! Brian, Justin, Ted, and Mike are at the bar. Brian asks Ted and Mike whether they really set Emmett up with Zack O'Tool. Ted and Mike are all laughing, gee, we wish we could have seen his face! How cool are we, huh? Justin awes that Zack's supposed to have a twelve-inch penis. Mike's amazed that Justin knows who Zack O'Tool is, and Justin rolls his eyes, "Everyone knows who the 'Manrammer' is." Mike snorts, "Even schoolboys?" Ted snickers, "That's part of the curriculum. 'Gay Porn Stars 101.'" Brian replies, "Yeah, and here's the first lesson: those that can, do. Those that can't, watch porn." I would like to add that I am the obvious exception to that rule. Thanks for listening. Brian spots his next conquest and heads off. He follows, like, whoever, into the Back Room of Sex. And who should he run into instead but Kip. Kip's higher than the Mir Station this evening, and asks Brian to dance. Brian says no, but, like, a lot less nicely, because he's lost, like, whoever. Brian asks Kip what he's on. It's something called "double bumps." Brian snaps that Kip shouldn't be letting Senior Management know that. He shouldn't be sleeping with Senior Management, either; I'm just saying. Kip says that it's a special occasion -- someone else got that manager's position for which Brian wouldn't recommend him. Brian sneers that he told Kip he wasn't ready for it. Kip snaps that Brian that was obliged to help him out. Brian snorts, "Why, because I fucked you? You weren't that good." Burn! He turns to leave the Back Room of Sex, but Kip stops him and whines that since he and Brian are both gay, Brian should help him out. Brian tells Kip that he's supposed to get ahead the same way that Brian did -- by helping himself and doing a better job than anyone else. "Do that and, trust me, they won't give a shit where you stick your dick," Brian says. "And one more thing. Don't mix that with booze. There. I did you a favor."

Liberty Avenue, the next day. Ted and Mike are wondering where Emmett is. Mike thinks maybe he's recovering from his encounter with the Manrammer. They spot Emmett across the street, run to him, and ask where he's been. Emmett says he's been busy. They're like, I bet you have! Mike asks him to come have a drink with them, but Emmett's meeting someone. Mike asks if it's a guy, and Emmett replies, "Well, if you must know, yes. His name is Matt." Ted crows, "Well, guys named Matt, by my calculation, are always 87.5 percent cute!" Let me think...Croson...Grabowski...Perry. Yeah, 87.5 is about right if you lump Shiny Matt in there. He brings down the average a little. Emmett looks mighty uncomfortable. Ted punches Emmett in the arm and demands that he tell them all about it. Emmett replies, "About what?" Zack O'Tool, of course! Emmett says, "It was quite an eye-opening experience, and I owe it all to you." Mike replies, "As long as it did the trick." Emmett sighs, "It did the trick all right...it helped me prove to myself that I can resist any temptation, even it's the only man I've ever had a spontaneous orgasm over." Ted's shocked -- appalled, even -- that they didn't do anything. Emmett says that they talked. I can't even imagine that conversation. Emmett says, "Did you know he studied acting with Uta Hagen? And he's fluent in three languages." Ted says that's not the type of "tongue action" for which he paid a thousand dollars. See, when you say it like that, it does sound pretty pathetic. Emmett grins, "Wow. They told me you'd stop at nothing to prevent me from finding my true self." Ted loses it: "Your true self is a big nelly queen who likes to get down on his knees and suck cock, and once a year, on Halloween, likes to get dressed as the ugliest fuckin' Cher that the world as ever seen! And that's okay!" Emmett looks offended at the Cher comment. Ted adds, grabbing Emmett's arm, "You've got to get away from those sicko creeps before they destroy you." Emmett pulls Ted's hand away and says that it's The Boys from whom he has to get away. Emmett shakes his head, "They tried to tell me that, but I didn't want to believe them. But now, I've seen the light." And he walks down the street, accompanied by completely inappropriate Gospel music.

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Queer as Folk U.S.

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