Queer as Folk U.S.
Surprises Kill

Episode Report Card
Camper: C+ | Grade It Now!
Harvey, Come Back! Camper Loves You!

Okay, so I missed The Sopranos last week? Went out to dinner. You don't care. Anyway, so I missed The Sopranos, got back in time for QaF, and the next day I got an IM from my friend Scott, who was flooredby some scene between Tony and his new floozy at the zoo. So floored, in fact, that he didn't want to ruin it for me, since I was going to catch the repeat on Tuesday. Long story short: they had sex in the snake house. And I'm, like, literally looking at this, going, am I missing something? So, I IM Scott the next day, and I'm like, they just had sex. And he's like, uh, yeah, and it was really hot. And I said, Scott, honey, this week on Queer as Folk, there was a scene where multiple groups of men were having every kind of sex you could possibly imagine. Naked. Groaning. Sweaty. And the scene went on for like, five minutes. Scott: "Oh." Yeah. Oh. Sigh. You Know You've Been Watching Too Much Queer As Folk When...

Harvey Fierstein's doing the previouslys. God, just stay, would you? And you know he's not going to. Bastard.

Babylon. Two HDGBs -- dressed in cowboy hats, shiny tight-loose jockstraps (this weird material that flows, yet accentuates everything), silver chaps, and boots -- start dancing to the song "I Wanna be a Cowboy." Cut to Our Boys, including Mike (must have found the key to the chains and snuck out) dancing away. Emmett and Justin are the only ones who can dance. Still. So, I'm watching this, and thinking back to when this was my favorite song in high school, and I'm thinking, wait a minute, the chorus is coming up...and sure enough, where it goes, "I wanna be a cowboy/ And you can be my cowgirl," they muffle it so it sounds like, "I wanna be a cowboy/ And you can be my mffmmmph." Snicker. Nice try, guys. Should have just left it. I don't think Emmett would have minded, for one. So, this scene goes on forever. Dancing, dancing, half-naked gay men, HDGBs everywhere, yes, everyone's having a lovely, lovely time. People are oiled up. People are smiling. Is there a point here, somewhere? Not that kind of point. I'm sure there's plenty of those. Justin and Brian are making nicey-nice on the dance floor. They try shooting it in slo-mo so that it looks like Gale Harold can actually dance. Still can't. The camera speeds up and then slows down, because that looks really cool. Yes, fabulous. Is there some reason we're all here? Finally, a hot-looking cross between David Duchovny and Dylan McDermott catches Michael's eye, marches across the dance floor, grabs Mike's butt, and pulls him in close. Hello! Mike's startled. Ted and Emmett are impressed. Me, too. This guy's even cuter than Cute Bank Teller Guy. Ain't nothing wrong with that. Mike snerks, "Excuse me, are you a quarterback?" Really Hot Guy says no, and asks why. Mike: "You intercepted me like I was a football." Quarterbacks don't intercept footballs. They throw them. You're gay. Stop making sports references. Really Hot Guy answers, "When I see something I want, I grab it and I run with it." God, not another one. Mike squeaks, "And you want me?" Really Hot Guy grins, "There's no one else in the room, Beautiful." He asks Mike to go into the back room with him, so that they can "exchange numbers." Wink wink. Nudge nudge. We all remember the premiere, right, when Mike found Brian in the back room getting a blowjob, and Brian told him he was just giving the other guy his number. And Mike snapped, "What, did you write it on your dick?" Same director and writers this ep, I believe. Very clever. Let's keep it moving. Mike says he can't because he's in a relationship. Really Hot Guy shrugs that he's in one, too. So? Mike says that he and his demon master don't fool around. Really Hot Guy asks how long he and his lover have been together. Mike proudly tells him that it's been almost five months. Really Hot Guy nods, "Wait a few more. You will." He gives Mike his card.

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Queer as Folk U.S.




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