Private Practice

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Miracle of Miracles
ight. As he roams the halls looking for a needle and thread, he runs into Cooper who has been there himself and instantly recognizes the signs of a Charlotte attack. They glare at each other and wander off. Obviously Sheldon asks Naomi for a needle and thread, but manages to not mention that he is sleeping with Charlotte in the office during the business day. Sheldon notices that Naomi is sad and offers his ear, which is nice, except for that it's Sheldon and so it is just sort of a creepy and awkward overshare. Naomi appreciates the effort so she overshares that she was making out with Fife and thinks sex with him would fill the void left when chocolate and friends aren't cutting it. Sheldon's interest is piqued and he wonders if it is the wheelchair that is stopping her. Naomi suddenly realizes that she is humiliating herself. Sheldon thinks she could humiliate herself a little more by talking to Charlotte about all her sex questions. Yep, that should just about do it.

Meanwhile, Addison is being driven over the edge by her attempts to suck the snot out of the baby's nose. Because that is what happens to successful, competent surgeons: TAKEN DOWN BY A BABY. She calls Cooper and makes him do it, because he is the professional. He is kind of stunned that she is so incompetent, but not stunned that Addison is taking it all personally and is convinced that the baby HATES her. It is Addison after all. Meanwhile, the OTHER evil babies are doing just fine inside their comatose incubator. Thriving, even. Not so much for Sam's relationship. Dr. what's her face (look, I can't be bothered to learn the name of every passing shenanigan on this show) is peeved that she is trying to SAVE THE BABIES, but Sam wants to save the surrogate. Obviously this is worth storming out over. So she does. Sam goes home for a little R & R and wanders onto his deck, only to remember that he lives next door to Addison and has to watch her in flannel pants and a hoodie with no make up cuddling with Pete's baby. Sam, that feeling you have? That's RELIEF. Like, THANK GOD you don't have to wake up to THAT every day, right? Addison wants to talk about men and motherhood and Pete and Sam points out that the subject is more than a little awkward for him and would really enjoy being left out of that particular loop. Addison looks confused. Also, bad. Like, are real pants so hard to manage? Sheesh.

The next day Cooper and Dell make their house call to Addison's patient's house. The little girl answers the door, because THE PLAGUE OF DEMON CHILDREN IS SPREADING. Her mom went to give her a hug and ended up in very uncomfortable premature labor! THE CHILDREN WILL KILL US ALL! It's like an episode of Supernatural but with a far less attractive cast.

Oh shit, Charlotte and I are thinking the exact same thing: Why is Naomi talking to Charlotte about wheelchair sex? Naomi meekly defends her choice by pointing out that Charlotte is the only sexologist in the building. Charlotte and I point out that THERE ARE OTHER BUILDINGS. I mean, really? Maybe Naomi's personal tragedies have inspired agoraphobia or something. BUT, this does not explain why she is not looking this shit up on the internet. I mean, good grief, this is why Al Gore invented the internet. Also, why is she talking about getting funky with Dr. Fife when 1) she has a boyfriend and 2) does she actually know Fife is interested? And does having a boyfriend mean nothing to anyone on this show? Like Addison and Sam pretending their lil pals are merely placeholders. Anyway, Naomi tells Charlotte the nature of the injury and then Charlotte suggests asking Dr. Fife. Which is coy and almost funny. Naomi crumbles under the Gitmo like pressure of Charlotte's raised eyebrow and confesses to wanting to have sex with Dr. Fife. Charlotte smiles, hands her a pamphlet helpfully titled "Sex with the Disabled" and sends her out the door.

Addison is going shades of Yellow Wallpaper crazy with Lucas and, seriously, it might be time to consider WAKING UP PETE because honestly she is mere moments away from tucking Lucas into the microwave and mixing up a martini. Instead she climbs fully clothed into the bathtub with him. BECAUSE THAT IS NORMAL. Speaking of completely normal things, Dell and Cooper are helping the woman deliver her baby on the kitchen floor. Of course it is not just a regular old easy delivery, because THE EVIL BABY IS STUCK. It won't come out no matter how hard his mother pushes. Undoubtedly this is somehow the mother's fault.

At the hospital, both parties and their lawyers and doctors and Charlotte are all gathered over the comatose woman for the judge to make her decision. Frankly, the woman really makes a centerpiece that POPS. Martha Stewart would be proud. The judge has listened to all the arguments and has made her ruling: The surrogate shall live so the babies can gestate. If this was Supernatural, Dean would throw holy water at the judge just to make sure she wasn't possessed because when demon seed are involved it would be a possibility. Just sayin'. Obviously the parents are happy, but Billy Riggins is miserable. Especially because the judge adds that he will be barred from the room for the rest of the gestation period. Just looking after the babies! Don't want Billy Riggins getting any ideas! The parents look sort of gloaty while Billy Riggins is protesting that he can't be banned from seeing his dying wife for two months. The judge (who is now rather obviously possessed by the demon spawn) insists that Billy Riggins stay away from his wife. Charlotte and her real life human feelings look uncomfortable.

Speaking of uncomfortable, Dell and Cooper are trying to help the laboring woman. The woman shrieks and Dell explains that the baby's shoulder is stuck in the birth canal and the paramedics aren't going to get there in time for her to deliver in a hospital. He tries to call Addison for advice, but she is passed out from all the crazies. At the hospital, Billy Riggins stands outside of his dead wife's hospital room staring in and looking crushed. Sam apologizes to him for the rank depths of the crapitude of his life and swears that his wife knows he loves her. But, Billy wonders whether she understands why he is not in there with her and has been banned from the room? Sam doesn't answer and then Charlotte comes up to break the bad news that the judge won't change her mind.

Naomi made the bad choice to leave her "Sex with the Disabled" pamphlet on her desk and, of course, Dr. Fife, the object of her pamphleteering finds it. He thinks it is a great read. He wonders, though, why she didn't just ask him? He then invites her back to his place for a little necking.

Cooper, the doctor, has no pointers for Dell, so when Dell suggests BREAKING THE BABY to get it out, Cooper thinks it is a swell idea. The mother, however, is not convinced. Not to get too too nitpicky, but as a midwife, shouldn't Dell suggest maybe trying a different position? I mean the woman is just sitting on her bottom. She's not standing or walking or on hands and knees or anything. Isn't the whole raison d'etre of midwives about getting laboring women to play Twister and thus ease the birthing process? Before BREAKING THE BABY couldn't he suggest a different position, maybe? Also, where is her daughter? Will no one think of the children? The woman has no choice but push when Dell says push.

Addison is back to being alone cuddling her cat in her flannel pajamas, the way god intended her to be. Sam is feeling more neighborly now that Pete is MIA and stops by with some soup and the news about the judge. He rubs his hands all over Addison's face, chides her for feeling sorry for herself, and then leaves again. While Addison mopes, Dell gets the damn baby out of the mother with only a small crack in its clavicle, but who cares about a baby with a broken neck bone right? Cooper checks the kid out and hands him back to his mother. Back at the office, Cooper gloats to Charlotte and Sheldon about Dell's heroic life saving and light baby breaking. Charlotte credits herself with Dell's ability to cowboy up in the face of adversity. Then she tries to bone Sheldon again. But Sheldon has realized that he is merely Cooper's sloppy seconds. His outer male (-ish) exterior is okay with it, but his inner therapist is troubled. Charlotte stomps away in disgust.

Naomi and Dr. Fife are cuddling in post connubial bliss and high fiving over the fact that they totally didn't need a manual. But then Naomi realizes her cheating contradicts with her Catholic ideology and starts feeling guilty, which fits in nicely with her faith. Then Fife ruins the mood by telling Naomi that her boyfriend has ALS and is going to die. Strangely this does not get Naomi in the mood for Round Two. At the hospital, Charlotte makes the wise (human!) choice to sneak Billy Riggins into his wife's room for a minute. Meanwhile, Naomi has bolted from Fife's bed to the airport for the first flight to Geneva. Guilt is quite the motivator. Elsewhere, Addison is collapsing into bed next to Pete. He sleepily acknowledges her presence and then ruins the whole thing by muttering those four little words that every girl wants to hear: I LOVE YOU, VIOLET. HAHAHAHHHHHAAhaaa! Pete prefers crazy sad sack schizoid Violet to Addison Montgomery! Hahahahahha!

Back at the hospital, Sam is making up with his girlfriend when an alarm goes off. Billy Riggins has pulled the plug on his wife! Sam smashes a window to break into the room. Billy Riggins is crouching a bit remorsefully in the corner when all the doctors rush in. But she's not dead. She's breathing on her own! Quick someone write a journal article. Or praise god. Up to you.

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Private Practice

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