Episode Report Card
Al Lowe: B+ | 1 USERS: A+
The Sisterhood of Bad Idea Jeans

Haddie has arrived home from school to find Zeek back in the kitchen drinking "virgin screwdrivers." Or, as my people call it: orange juice. With little preamble, he congratulates her for "resisting, when that boy was trying to get you to have intercourse with him. I'm so proud of you." Haddie's face drains of all color. "Well," she says, nodding and trying not to die. "Thanks, Grandpa." Sometimes Sarah Ramos looks so much like Monica Potter it is crazy. Speaking of MP, Kristina passes Haddie on the stairs, now, and asks her what's wrong. "Just... Grandpa," Haddie says, sighing. Kristina sighs and asks what happened. Haddie shrugs, wanting to let it go, and says it was nothing. "I'm just going to go be alone," she adds, but Kristina isn't having it. "You've been spending way too much time alone," she says. Haddie rolls her eyes and says she's fine, but Kristina insists that she's not, and is struck by an inspired idea. "Haddie, why don't you have a... now, don't gross out at the word... a good, old-fashioned slumber party." Haddie starts to blow it off, but as Kristina gets more excited, talking about inviting girls over and making muddy buddies and hanky pankies, and pulling out the Ouija board, Haddie can't help but smile. "Would you really do that?" she asks, tentatively letting her guard down. Kristina says that yes, she wants to do it for her. "You're so down," she says, and finally Haddie relents. Kristina is thrilled. "I'll get you some michi!" she says. "Mochi," Haddie corrects her, and I don't know what she's talking about, but surely it isn't this, right? I had about, oh, 100 slumber parties in my day, and I am feeling left out that I am not up on the current lingo. Don't tell me teenage girls are making glutinous rice cakes at slumber parties these days. [No, they're buying and eating delicious ice cream treats. - Zach]

In the attic at HQ, Sarah and Crosby pick through the detritus of their childhoods. "My cottonball bunny!" Sarah squeals, finding a kindergarten treasure. "You think Mom would torch that? She would, right? She'd torch it in a second." Crosby has no time for tears about the crafts of their youth. He's worried about his piano and, like me, wonders how on Earth his parents got it into their attic. It's an excellent question. "I don't know," Sarah says. "How would you get it out? Put it through the window with a real strong rope?" Ha! Has she never seen cartoons? That never works! Crosby complains that the whole point of having parents is to be able to keep your crap in their attics, and as someone who has been hounded constantly since 1995 to remove my own crap from my parents' house, I concur. Sarah, however, disagrees. She crabs that Mom wants the space and they should be respectful of that. "You don't think this is about something else?" he asks. "Not the space?" Sarah snaps at him for being so sentimental about the piano he hasn't touched or thought of in years. "I'm not feeling sentimental," he says. "I'm feeling pragmatic. I'm pragmatically preserving this piece of our family's history and... MOM!" He runs down the attic stairs to complain to the source. Sarah calls after him, and finds him in the kitchen harassing Camille. "Why don't you paint in the back yard?" he needles. "That's what Matisse did, and all the greats!" Camille: "Yeah?" Crosby admits he's not positive about Matisse. He continues to try to make her change her mind about the attic, claiming it is too hard to make decisions about the stuff up there. "Change is healthy," Camille says, calling him "Goose," which is so cute. Eyes-wide at her blissful attitude, Crosby says that the whole healthy change thing is an urban legend. "Sometimes you just have to make a choice," Camille says, and floats from the room. Crosby can't take it. "Do you think she's talking about Dad and her?" he asks, turning on Sarah. "How serious is this?" Sarah angrily says she doesn't know. "You're supposed to be our source on-site!" Crosby says. "You're our eyes and ears to the situation!" Sarah shrugs. "I reject this, entirely," Crosby adds. "I do, for real. They're gonna work it out, like they always do, end of story." Sarah tries to keep her voice casual: "Totally. I hope so."

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