Episode Report Card
Al Lowe: B | 2 USERS: A+
The Tracks of My Mother-Freakin' Tears

Sarah flops on the bed as we hear the strains of a gospel choir begin to ring out. At first, I thought the rest of the family had burst into hand-clapping praise song, but we're changing venues, here. It is a choir, being recorded in a studio where Crosby is working as a sound engineer. As he jives around tweaking knobs, which would never happen, the producer comes in and wonders if something might be a little off in the sopranos. The producer, by the way, is none other than Katie, from earlier in the day, she of the nakedness and spermsicles. He snits that no, nothing's wrong, "it's called a Major 7th chord, and it's fine." Katie wants to know why Crosby's being so testy. Here is the perfect moment for him to come back with "I don't know, why are YOU being so TESTES?" But he doesn't. He does, however, ask why she has sperm in her freezer. "Oh, I was wondering if you saw that," she says, uncomfortable. She says she doesn't want to even have this conversation again, that he knows she's ready to have a baby, and he's not. "You're not mature enough," she says. Crosby responds that he is not the one out scrounging up sperm from some guy. "I'm not scrounging it up," Katie says. "I bought it, for a lot. And I have to tell you, actually, it's is amazing sperm." She says the donor is an Olympic athlete and a Rhodes scholar. "Great," Crosby says. "It sounds like this sperm is going to be a great father so, maybe he can coach soccer for you, or whatever." Katie, as she exits the booth: "You're an idiot." She is right. Before she can go, he yells after her to ask when she's ovulating. "Friday!" she screams, and is gone. I have multiple problems with this scene, both musical and reproductive, but I'm going to let them slide. Yes, it's a new outlook I have. Sliding. If the show makes it past three episodes, I will perhaps revisit this foolishness.

At his school, The Dread Pirate Max is working on some crafts. Brother has a problem using scissors, apparently, and becomes overly frustrated with the job, wadding up paper and throwing it around. When a punk-ass classmate, the improbably named Amos [Amos? Zeek? What's next, Jedediah? - Z], calls him a freak, Max goes buck wild on the kid, throwing himself on him and biting. Y'all, the frustration this little boy actor is able to show as Max... he outshines the rest of the cast just in this little scene. Moments later we see his parents, Adam and Kristina, in a meeting with school officials. "He must have been taunted," Adam says, defensive. He says he thinks everyone might be overreacting and that if someone (Kristina) did not constantly indulge Max in the pirate costuming, then maybe... Kristina cuts in that she thought they had agreed to "monitor the pirate situation," and the parental line of defense breaks down. The principal -- or whoever he is, the dude is not wearing a tie -- says that the thing is, they're not sure if Sullivan Elementary is the right fit for Max. Adam and Kristina are shocked. The guy goes on to say that he thinks that Max should be seen by an educational therapist to determine next steps. "Let's just cut to the chase," Adam snaps. "Are we being expelled? Are you giving us the boot?" Kristina shushes him, but then worriedly asks, "Are we?"

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