Episode Report Card
Al Lowe: B | 2 USERS: A+
The Tracks of My Mother-Freakin' Tears

Later, Crosby and Adam play ping-pong as Joel looks. They discuss the frozen sperm situation. "So, you're saying you found sperm in her freezer?" Joel asks, incredulous. "Human sperm?" Naw, man. It's bird sperm. This woman plans to be the first to give birth to a human-cockatoo hybrid. Crosby says he guesses it's human, though he didn't send it to a lab. Adam is kind of outraged by the sperm and vigorously declares it uncool. "Can we just play ping-pong so I can lose myself in sport?" Crosby begs. Adam: "She slept with you with another man's sperm in her freezer! It's unconscionable! She has to be confronted." I tend to agree, though this problem feels so mid-'90s to me. I mean, sperm banks as TV jokes seem kind of passé. Anyway, there's no time to discuss it further, because we must all turn our attention to Zeek as he emotionally abuses Max in the driveway over yet another sport, basketball. Here is Zeek's problem as an athlete and, although it pains me to say it because this is Craig T. Nelson, a coach. The man has no finesse. He's yelling at Max to get in grills and kick various asses, etc., and while I wish Adam's response would be to encourage Max to indeed kick his grandpa's ass, he instead asks Zeek to take it down a notch. Which does not happen even remotely.

Inside, Haddie, who I guess is supposed to be 16 but looks older than her own mother, is helping Amber carry her bags up to the guest room. There seems to be no love lost between these cousins. Amber kind of unfeelingly asks if Max is still wearing a pirate costume to school. "Um," Haddie says. "We think he's working through that." Amber pulls out a pack of cigarettes, much to Haddie's apparent surprise. Actually, the look on her face is more like Amber just offered her coke to snort off a naked man. She makes an uncomfortable refusal and starts to leave. From the doorway, she turns to do what is obviously a duty her parents forced on her. "You know, if you wanted to come hang out with me and my friends after school -- I mean, we honestly don't do anything -- but, if you wanted to come hang out with us... you... could!" she says, trying and failing to sound enthusiastic. Amber is not feeling the family love. "Wow," she snarks. "Okay, wow. Really warm invitation. Thank you so much." Girl, be thankful anyone wants to speak to your snide ass. Also, wash your face. AND stop smoking. PLUS, you're grounded. I am a little bit anti-teen right now. I think it is because I am so afraid to parent one. I dread it, even though I have 13 years to prepare.

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