Episode Report Card
Al Lowe: B | 2 USERS: A+
The Tracks of My Mother-Freakin' Tears

In the laundry room, Kristina folds clothes while her teenage daughter, Haddie, wonders why they just don't let Max stay home. "I mean," she says, "do we even care about baseball?" Kristina sighs. "Your father sure does. Because men feel the need to express their love through hitting balls, slapping butts and spouting meaningless statistics." She says she thinks that Adam is afraid that if Max doesn't learn to do these things, he's going to grow up sad and alone. "Well," Haddie says, putting it simply, "that's absurd." As they rush to the car, Max in uniform, Kristina asks how Adam made this happen. He is forced to admit the triple scoop bribe. "Great parenting," she sighs. Adam, on the other hand, is sanguine. "Once [Max] gets his first hit," he says, "everything is gonna turn around for him." Poor Max. Why are they having this conversation in front of him?

Elsewhere, a phone rings as a dude climbs clumsily over his sleeping, naked girlfriend to answer it. This is Crosby, Adam's younger brother, and his ne'er-do-well status is evident from his first onscreen moment. You know, tattoos, annoyingly floppy hair, shirtlessness, what appears to be a bed in the living room, etc. Apparently he is also supposed to be at the game, as he is the assistant coach. "It's the third inning," Adam seethes. "Where the hell are you? Dad's out of control." Indeed, Zeek is behind the fence, yelling at the kids like they are big leaguers. Meanwhile, Crosby is still trying to wake up. "I can't talk right now," he half-whispers. Adam asks if he's with someone. "Are you back with Katy?" he asks. "Did you have make-up sex?" Hey, coach, there's a first grader three feet from you in the on-deck circle. "Oh, come on, that is pathetic," Crosby says, though it appears to be right on the money. Adam tells him to get there, now, as the team is getting its ass handed to them, and Crosby hangs up and stumbles to the kitchen. In his search for coffee he finds something even more stimulating, or I should say "stimulated," on offer in the freezer. Sperm. Specifically, frozen sperm in a canister with his girlfriend's name on it. He replaces it, gingerly, and heads for the game.

At an amusement park, the last member of the Braverman clan, Julia, is on the phone with her law office. Her cute husband, Joel, comes up to remind her that they are in a cell-free zone, and that their daughter, Sydney, has been waiting all week to have her picture made at Fairyland. I'd like to point out that to come over and have this conversation, Joel left their pre-schooler in the arms of a giant cat with a pink mohawk and an airbrushed t-shirt reading "Sandy." Y'all, safety first, even at Fairyland. Julia somewhat reluctantly puts her phone on vibrate, instead of turning it off, and goes over to be photographed with her daughter where, of course, her phone immediately vibrates. "One second," she tells the photographer through a forced grin, and steps out of the picture with her disappointed daughter. "Come on," Joel says, as Julia stares at her phone, "be strong. You can do it." Somehow, she forces herself to turn the phone off and they return for a happy photo. The subtext of this storyline is, of course, "You can't have it all." I am already depressed by it.

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