Episode Report Card
Al Lowe: B | 2 USERS: A+
The Tracks of My Mother-Freakin' Tears

"I'm doing the right thing, right, Adam?" she asks. "Moving home?" He assures her, through wheezes, that yes, she moving from Fresno back to their hometown of Berkeley is the best decision. She Loreleis him at top speed, just to be sure: "I mean, you said it was gonna be good, which is essentially why I'm doing it, because you said it was gonna be good, so if it isn't good, I don't think I'll ever forgive you." Adam sighs. "Look, if it's not good, you can blame me, okay?" Sarah: "That's what I'm saying." This desperation is interrupted by desperation of a decidedly different nature. Adam switches over to a call from his dad (Craig T. Nelson!), who announces that his pipes are clogged. Trust me, this is not the call you want to get from an old man. "I need you here right now," he says, "I'm not even getting a belch."

Back in Fresno, Sarah has tracked down her daughter to the nasty apartment of some skeevy boy all covered in lame tattoos and wearing skinny jeans. Amber comes stomping through the room, high and mighty, as if she does not sense danger. "You need to get in the car with me right now," Sarah tells her. "Look," Amber sasses back, "Berkeley is a living hell, Mom. I am not moving there." She says she and Damian, the skeeze in question, have decided to live together, instead. "Damian," Sarah says, cold as ice, "I need to speak with my daughter, could you give us a moment? Perhaps you could use this time to put on a shirt." Snap. Amber tells him to stay right where he is. "Do not let her scare you," she commands, with extra sass, "her bark is worse than her bite." Dudes. I'm telling you, you'd have to have a séance to read this recap, that's how dead I would be. Much to my surprise and deep, deep happiness, what follows is the most truthful, scary, awesome moment of television I can ever remember seeing. Without saying a word, Sarah fixes her daughter with the glare of doom. Amber has one split-second to realize her fate before her mom lunges at her like a crazed panther. Beautiful. I had to rewind it 20 times. Moments later Amber is being dragged away from Damian's, claiming that her life is being ruined. Sarah says they have no choice, she's out of money. "Get in the car," she says, pounding on the roof of their hoopty as Amber turns to take one last look at the ridiculous Damian who is leaning out of his skeezy window, still shirtless, holding a guitar. Note to self: when child is a teenager, send her to wolves for raising.

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