Episode Report Card
Al Lowe: B | 2 USERS: A+
The Tracks of My Mother-Freakin' Tears
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So, Internet... how's it going? When last we met, I was your innocent recapper-about-town, blithely roaming to and fro, getting laid off from my full-time job, having a somewhat laissez-faire attitude about the whole thing. Yes, back then I spent my days cleaning my house and watching Magnum, P.I. reruns, applying for jobs half-assedly, just knowing that eventually someone would call me and my life would get back to a normal, non-Ramen-eating pattern. Guess what? No one called! Oh, except our adoption agency that was like, "You have two minutes to fly to Texas and pick up your daughter." Which we did, in October, and now I am a parent, still jobless. That's just to get you up to speed, people. I mean, if you are remembering me from the salad days of Deadwood and Gilmore Girls recaps, what I'm saying is: things have changed. Thus, it was with a little bit of the ironic smirk that I took this assignment mere moments after entering the state of parenthood. I'll tell you in advance, I have never cried so much in my lifetime, combined, as I do now on an average weekday. Not from sadness -- just from feelings. I am like a walking, talking Barbara Streisand album over here with all the feelings. And I'm not trying to be stupid about it, like, "You'll never know real love until you have a child," or whatever. No. What you'll never know until then is real anxiety. I'll wait here while you rush off to get pregnant...

Our new show opens with a little old-fashioned sponsor smooching. Lauren Graham and Peter Krause welcome us with the most emotional appeal to buy a Nissan one could ever hear. What is the deal with this? Have we gone back in time to the days of the Texaco Star Theater? I get the feeling Lauren G. is not into it. Also, did y'all know "Krause" was pronounced "Kr-OW-suh," like it's Germany up in here? I've been reading it "Krauss" for years. Good for you, Krauses, for keeping it real.

Finally, we see Peter Krause, who plays Adam Braverman, jogging through his neighborhood. Clearly, he started this jog feeling positive and with the best of intentions, and you can't beat the Avett Brothers' "Heart Like a Kick Drum" as a running song... until your heart actually starts beating like a kick drum and you have to sit down or pass out. Luckily, he has brought his phone along so that he can be available to his sister, Sarah (Lauren Graham), in her time of need. "I lost Amber," she says, when he wheezes hello. "She fled; she escaped; she snuck right out of the window." Ah, now, here's the L.G. I so fondly remember. Why use a few words by way of explanation when you can use a zillion instead? All her chatter, however, gives Adam a chance to catch his breath. "Are you having a heart attack?" she asks him. "You're like, wheezing like an old person." He must have oxygen deprivation to the brain, because his big suggestion as she stands amidst her belongings being packed up to move, worrying about her teenager daughter who has disappeared, is that she needs to... find her daughter. Sarah is incredulous. "Here I am, moving our entire situation, just to make her life better," she says. "And what do I get?" During this she tries and fails to get her teenage son, Drew, to turn down his video game. Can we talk about how dead I'd be if I tried to play a video game while my mom was packing up a house? I'd be ghostwriting this, for real, as a ghost from beyond the grave.

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