The Naked Are the Dead

Episode Report Card
Alex Richmond: D | Grade It Now!
The Naked Are the Dead

For some reason, this week ABC ran late, so I got no warning about language or nudity (dang) and the only "previously" shown bit was about Kirky tipping Don off about his imminent arrest. Boy, do I hate Don.

First thing we get hit with is a shot of three dead, naked, tattooed, bound-and-gagged men. Maybe this has something to do with the episode title -- hmm. A uniform tells Sip, "Twelve years on the job and I've never seen anything like this." There are four more corpses in the dining room. Ricky, Diane, and Kirkendall are all on the scene as well, looking perturbed, and for clues. The men are all twenty-one and under -- no clothes are in sight. There's a few sodas in the fridge, Di reports, and Sip notes that they all were shot in the head except for one lucky victim who had his throat slit. A gangland execution? Sip wonders. Nah, says Ricky: "Why would they strip them for a hit?" A gay sex club? wonders Sip: "They got kinks we never heard of." Really? So Sip the Giant Het never heard of getting tied up? Poor thing. Ricky pooh-poohs this idea too, rhetorically pointing out, "Does a gay guy get 'Raquel' tattooed on his arm? These guys were straight." Sip wonders, "Switch-hitter?" Oh my God, QUIT IT with the obsessive homophobia! Sip starts getting steamed, saying, "Make up your own theory," and Ricky says he doesn't have to -- they just arrived on the scene a minute ago. Sip grumps around some more and finally says, "Seven DOAs. It's gonna hit the fan now." I guess you could say you have seven bags of crap to hold! Seven naked bags of...oh, never mind.

Woosh bloosh, the credits! Pound those drums! Make me feel that synthesizer!

After some gangsta-synthesizers, we land at the precinct where Sip and the gang tell Fancy about the newest bag of crap that they have to hold. "Seven naked male Hispanic DOAs," says Sip. "Naked?" asks Fancy. "Buck naked," confirms Sip. Not to be confused with George Costanza's porn star name or the newest addition to the scuzz rock scene, Bif Naked. Sip just meant that the DOAs had no clothes on. Remember? When Fancy asks WHY they might have been naked, Sip lamely trots out his crackpot theory: "Possible nude sex cult aspect." No one has confidence in this theory, including Sip. Diane notes that there "wasn't a stitch of clothing in the place," and try as I might, I cannot think of a pun for this. Sorry. The apartment was rented to a Joe Rodriguez two months ago; he paid in cash. Fancy asks, "Was he clothed at the time?" Hee. Then, because he's the boss, he asks, "Any sign of drugs?" Yeah! Remember in the movie New Jack City when Chris Rock worked in the crack factory? All THOSE people were naked! And it wasn't pretty. Movies starring Judd Nelson so rarely are. Cabin on the Lake, I'm looking at you. So anyway, there was no sign of drugs -- just a broken-into padlocked closet -- and the windows were nailed shut. Ricky asks if they're "going to get the benefit of minds greater than our own" to help solve the case, and Fancy confirms that they will. "No talking to the media," Fancy says as the gang files out of his office. Sip mumbles, "Seven totally naked DOAs...possible nude sex cult tie-in...no news angle there." Ricky looks over his shoulder at Sip in a gesture that reads "quit yer yammering, you old coot." Agreed.

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