Loogie Nights

Episode Report Card
Alex Richmond: D | Grade It Now!
Loogie Nights

Before the "previously on NYPD Blue," they show a warning: This show contains adult language and partial nudity? Language and nudity? Well, my stars! May I make a request now for some dick, please?

Previously on NYPD Blue, Sipowicz feeds fish as he waxes metaphoric to Ricky about keeping a "healthy tank." Ricky defends Neil, whose face looks permanently befuddled. Mrs. Sipowicz is having an expressionless but apparently very important conversation with her husband, and says "you've worked hard to make our life good, Andy. Walk in the park." They exchange meaningful looks. A giant asshole shoots Mrs. Sipowicz. Her last words are, "Take care of the baby." Cut to Sipowicz and Theo in front of their fish tank. Theo says in that little-kid voice, "Are you sad, daddy?" Sipowicz walks down the hall with his face doing an amazing feat: It stays impassive while looking like it's about to break open with sobs.

Okay, we get some gritty, urban-style music and establishing shots of NYC and then Ricky cruises into a hospital. A Blue cop presents his stain-covered uniform to Ricky for inspection, saying, and "You see my stain-covered uniform?" "You got that on parade duty?" says Rick. Apparently during this nameless, event-less parade some guy covered in oil jumped off a float and hugged the guy. "You pay a price for personal charisma," cracks Ricky. "Yeah, it's like I was wearing a 'Hug Me' sign," says the cop. You wear that sign, you pay the price...in hugs. Rick strides over to the ever-confused looking Neil and his scary, Aryan-looking partner, Joe Bradshaw. Sipowicz materializes and asks about the assault (that's why they're in the hospital!). Rick drags them over to a less-trafficked part of the hospital waiting room (as if they could get any privacy there). Sipowicz holds his hands out, like, Well? The guy in the hospital is a "coin-flip," according to doctors. Neil and Nazi-boy saw him "throwing fists" in an alley, they tried to break it up. The perp spit in Neil's face, so they gave him a "minor tune-up." Then they left him alone for an hour, came back and found him near death. Sipowicz flatly asks, "The minor tune-up was irrelevant to what happened subsequent." Uh, yeah boss. Neil sighs, looks hangdog and wipes his head and says, "Whew, that was close!" No he doesn't, but you know what I mean. As if Sipowicz would let cops get away with being brutal (for no good reason). He pulls Ricky aside and asks; "You know what they just did?" Even a guy with Silver Spoons on his résumé sees this coming: "They over-communicated." Go Ricky! Not happy to play clean-up for some nasty cops, Sipowicz mutters about how Neil and Nazi-boy just gave them "a bag of crap to hold," and how Nazi-boy looks as if, in future, he'll be saying, "Here, hold my upcoming bags of crap." Ewww. Ricky gets a page from his stoolie J.B. who has "beeped him 911," which makes me think of the Missy Elliot song, "Beep Me 911." Sipowicz strides off and Ricky stops him for a "personal observation: You are a very attractive man." He then gives Sipowicz a very crisp a-okay gesture. I think this is supposed to be a shout-out to all the increasingly impatient Blue fans who have been pining for the show since they put Once and Again in its place SIX FREAKING MONTHS AGO. (By the way, Once and Again is not Now and Again, the other show I recap for Mighty Big TV. But enough about me.) Sipowicz takes the compliment, looking suspicious and flattered at the same time. I'm sure he agrees. He knows he's the mack.

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