Fools Russian

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Alex Richmond: D+ | Grade It Now!
Fools Russian

Previously: Di needs a little air, Danny says she can talk to him about anything and does she still like him, huh, does she? Di talks to Sip about her and Danny, and says it's "eating her up" whether Sip is okay with it. Sip mumbles about people having to try to be happy. Dude, you're on NYPD Blue, not Seventh Heaven. There's a little thing called "grit," perhaps you've heard it mentioned before? Happiness is never a priority on this show. All right? Di says if she knew she was going to feel this bad, she never would have started with Ricky. Women everywhere who have felt lust laugh bitterly and say, "Yeah, right." Di dumps Ricky near Bobby's pigeon coop, which unlike Ricky, hasn't been used for a while. See what I did there?

The camera waves around the New York City streets. The sun is shining, people are heading to work, and things are looking gritty. Di's biting her lips and blinking back tears in a booth in a coffee shop. A blonde woman in a purple trench coat walks up and Di smiles behind her tears. Di says she's been having a tough time, and the Blonde says that the Survivors Network really helped her through some tough times. Di pushes a menu towards the Blonde and begins: she's been having sex. Blonde wins my affection by smiling and saying, "That's good." Damn right it's good! God, sex is GREAT! Hooray for sex! Whoops. But Di feels guilty because she "had Bobby's love and violated it" because she missed being touched. Whoa, guilt is bad, very bad. Di seems a wreck and Blonde says, "That's better than being numb." But not as good as getting laid, right? Woo hoo! Then Di says she ended it. Blonde asks if she feels better, and Di says no and begins to cry a little. She doesn't know if she dumped Ricky because of him or because of Bobby. You don't? Di dude, it was totally because of Bobby, and I'm telling you now, it's okay to rebound a little, don't get down on yourself. Blonde pats Di's hand and says it's okay to move on, "Bobby's the one that's gone, you're still here." Oh, huge word.

The subway whooshes towards the camera in a rush of blues and yellows. The credits are gritty. All is as it should be. Except that David Milch is gone and the show sucks now. But reading the recaps is still fun, right? Right?

The river. A police boat chugs grittily through the East River. A yellow tarp covers something up, and Ricky and Sip walk towards it, squinting, squinting. Ricky says, "Aw, geez, what a smell," and a uniform comments, "He must have been dead a week." Another uniform charmingly eats a sandwich right over the bloated corpse, and he and Sip banter about eating with the horrible smell of death lurking, as if they even have to. Like, uh doy, none of us has ever seen a movie where the autopsy tech is eating a sandwich. So the tarp comes back and the corpse is a hugely fat guy who was shot in the head and stuffed in a barrel before being dumped in the river. Nice. Baldwin comes up and says Medavoy is talking to the dockworkers that found the corpse, then Di trots up and things get oh so uncomfortable with Ricky standing right there next to the bloated body. Oh, boy. It's tense tense tense until Di walks away quickly and then Sip of course has to say that he thought "things were okay with that," and Ricky says, "That was then," and Sip says, "Maybe it's not about you," and Ricky says, "I guess I wish it was," and then they have a slap fight until Ricky runs away crying like the big giant baby he is.

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