My So-Called Life
The Zit

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Wing Chun: D | 1 USERS: A+
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The Zit

Major props to Kim and Sars for covering my beat while Glark and I moved. It turned out to be a much bigger job for them than anyone anticipated, and if they hadn't covered my ass, I wouldn't have been able to sleep nights. No shit, y'all -- thank you.

At school, the bell rings. Angela "Bada-lament-y" Chase is staring at what appears to be a trophy case when Sharon "Stone Cold" Cherski stumbles in with some heretofore unseen jock; Angela turns away from the trophy case (?) in time to see the boyfriend planting a lingering kiss on Sharon's cheek. The camera then pans down to Sharon's hand, clasped in the boyfriend's; conveniently, Sharon's hand is resting just below her ample bazooms. AVO resentfully comments, "So, Sharon's life was, like, developing in this natural, healthy way, while my life is, like, clogged." Angela bitterly watches as Sharon and the boyfriend flounce down the hall like a Dentyne ad come to life; in fact, Angela stares them down for so long that Rayanne "Mimeo" Graff notices and gives voice to Angela's silent snarking: "Oh, yeah. Cherski and Vinovich -- you didn't know? I think they met at the game -- probably the big game, possibly the big away game!" Angela wonders whether she and Rayanne should be "attending those things," and Rayanne drily replies, "Please. Grip yourself." Word. The only reason to attend a high-school football game is that if it starts at 2 PM and you get out of class an hour early if you buy a ticket.

A teacher with a sad little soul patch flamboyantly writes "METAMORPHOSIS" on the blackboard, and invites the English class (you know, the one with the constant rotation of teachers including, last week, Ms. Kryzanowski) to tell him what a metamorphosis is. The students stare back blankly until Mr. McSoulPatch wearily relents: "Brian?" Angela is gazing into the mirror in a compact, which reflects back the image of the nice, ripe zit on her chin. She turns at the sound of "Lane" Brian Krakow's explanation: "When someone totally changes into something else, or just...when anything changes shape." The camera cuts to a shot of Brian midway through his definition, at the end of which he glances toward Sharon, whose breasts are practically resting on her desktop. Okay, they are big, but they are not that big. The prop master must have gone to a primary school to get a desk that would make her breasts appear so...um, let's say "heroic." Sharon smiles and sighs to herself; unseen is the page of her notebook on which she's written "Mrs. Sharon Vinovich" thirty or forty times. Mr. McSoulPatch informs the class that "The Metamorphosis" was written by Franz Kafka (and if you've managed to get through school without reading it, you should get a copy of it and check it out; it's very sad and disturbing. And if you get a copy of the novella that also includes the short story "The Hunger Artist," read that one, too. Reading it in the age of reality programming, it's a particularly prescient story. But I digress. No, I really do. This isn't part of the recap. Pretend I'm not even here), and asks what it means for something to be described as "Kafkaesque."

Angela stares at Brian, as if we're to think she's watching him watching Sharon's boobs, but really she's looking toward "Air" Jordan Catalano, seated behind and one aisle over from Brian. Angela unwittingly feeds her zit by running her dirty, middle-of-the-school-day fingertips over it. Brian rolls his eyes at the teacher's question, knowing he's just going to have to answer it himself anyway, and then answers it himself, anyway: "When something seems like a total nightmare, and you can't believe it's really happening, only it is." And there, in a nutshell, is the reason "The Metamorphosis" appears so often on high-school curricula. Mr. McSoulPatch asks for an example of something Kafkaesque, and AVO offers, "Sharon Cherski having a boyfriend...and not me." Actually, a remark that self-involved and banal reminds me more of Ernest Hemingway, but whatever.

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My So-Called Life

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