My Own Worst Enemy

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Mindy Monez: B | Grade It Now!
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In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

A dimly lit video message starring Christian Slater (spy vlog!) telling someone that by now they've forgotten all about him, but that they need to tell their wife that they have to miss "the soccer game." Their life depends on it.

Cut to a night scene in Paris, 48 hours earlier, according to the chyron on the screen. A woman is standing in front of a very French fountain, and there's Christian Slater again, sitting in a car observing what he reports to Alfre Woodard via comms as "the exchange," which is "going down right now." We soon discover the fountain woman's name is "Natasha," and that Slater is doing this to let the KGB (which doesn't exist anymore, but... alright) know that he's in Paris. Alfre Woodard would like him to "bring her [Natasha] in, Edward" because she's "the only way to the marbles," whatever that means, but Slater's having none of it. He gets out of the car and walks up to Natasha.

Cut to Edward and Natasha doing dirty things in a Parisian hotel room. Edward's pillow talk is very romantic, as he explains to her that he's looking for a man named Uzi Kefelnikov because he took something that doesn't belong to him. Natasha gets all pissy about this and rushes off to the bathroom ostensibly to run a bath, but instead puts a handgun together, complete with silencer, under the cover of running water. Edward takes a phone call that he loudly pretends is over room service during all this, but is clearly secret code that Natasha is going to kill him or something, because he clumps a bunch of Edward-shaped pillows up under the bedsheets, Ferris Bueller-style. Natasha comes rushing out, shoots the Edward-shaped pillows a bunch of times, like Edward would actually be fast asleep 1.5 seconds after having a very involved phone conversation about room service, and then looks over to see surprise! Edward sitting in a chair across the room, waiting for her to fall for his Ferris Bueller-ass stunt, and he shoots her in the face! Brains! On the wall! On NBC! Yayyyy! Edward looks sad. Credits!

Los Angeles. Alfre Woodard is in her chestnut-hued bureaucratic office, playing chess by herself on one of those awesome swivel chess boards. Edward bursts in and jokes, "Who's winning?" to which she counters, "I am," either hilariously or stupidly, I can't tell. Then they argue over Natasha. Woodard's annoyed because she ordered Edward to bring her in, not have sex with her for three hours and then shoot her in the face on NBC. Edward says he was totally going to, but decided that wasn't possible after Natasha "killed the bed." Hee! Woodard's still not over it, because Natasha was their best link to this Uzi character, and she thinks Edward killed her to spare her from torture because he's in love with her. Edward is a little girl crazy, you see.

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My Own Worst Enemy

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