Episode Report Card
Cindy McLennan: A | 15 USERS: A+
I Once Was Lost, But Now Am Found

Jack addresses Hurley, Kate and Sawyer by Jacob's fire which is now just smoke and embers. He's got to go out past the bamboo grove, and over the ridge, to the heart of the island -- a light. Hurley asks what happens if Faucke succeeds in putting it out. Jack says then that's it for all of them. See, he can't really explain it either, but the time for questions is so last season. Kate can't figure why Faucke hasn't already done the deed. Sawyer: "'Cause he ain't got what he needs. I'm guessing that'd be Desmond." He turns to Jack: "That's where we were headed before your inauguration. Sayid said Locke tossed him in a well." Jack confesses Jacob never mentioned Desmond. Sawyer says Jacob didn't say much of anything. Hurley: "That's kinda true, dude. He's worse than Yoda." Kind of true, that is, dude. Worse than Yoda, he is. Hmm. Sawyer tells the other three to head toward the heart, while he gets the "magic leprechaun" out of the well. That's brownie, Himbo. As he heads off, Sawyer turns back to Kate with a smirk. "I'd ask you along, but that'd take all the fun out of me telling you you can't come." Kate smirks right back at him. "Oh, I guess I'll just have to resist the urge to follow you anyway." Besides, today I love Jack best, because he's gonna die, lovah. Hurley: "I've got a bad feeling about this." I know, dude -- right?

Theme Song!

Sideways; Flightline Motel: Hugo Reyes and Sayid Jarrah cruise up in the yellow Hummer. About that: wasn't it just last season that Island-Hurley used an environmentalist guilt-trip on Miles to get him to carpool up to the Swan site? Sayid still has no recollection of Hugo, and begins to go on at length about that fact, but Hugo Whatevers him as he removes a tranq gun from the glove compartment. "None of this is ringing a bell, is it? You, me -- tranquilizer gun?" Sayid's eyes light up. "You are insane." Oh pot, you should have seen yourself over on the other burner. Hugo's fine with that, he just wants Sayid to wait in the car. Sayid: "What if I don't?" Hugo: Then...that's your choice, but if you stick with me, you'll be happy you did." Have a cluckity-cluck-cluck day.

Hugo knocks on a motel room door (either 702 or 102, the top of the number is cut off -- why am I still bothering with numbers?). It's answered by CHARLIE! Okay, right now, he's just Charlie, because he's not only trashed, but also extra-surly, like he was back in the days when I was actively praying for his death. His eyeliner, though, is guaranteed to make the tinhats squeal with delight. It doesn't matter how grumpy Charlie is, Hugo is so gleeful he can barely speak without laughing. This is the first time I cry.

Hugo tells Charlie he's there to pick him up for the concert, but Charlie compares him to Widmore's "other monkey" and insists he's not going. When he turns away, Hugo shoots him in the back with the tranq gun and an "Okay dude, sorry about this." He then slings Charlie over his shoulder and drops him unceremoniously in the back of the gas guzzler. Sayid: "What was that?" Hugo: "That was Charlie."

Islandways: As Kate, Jack and Hurley trek across the island, Kate asks why Jack took the job. Jack says he's supposed to. "The island's all I've got left. It's the only thing in my life I haven't managed to ruin." Kate stops in front of him. "You haven't ruined anything. Nothing is irreversible." Oh man, Jack carries that memory with him to...er...the Sideways. This is the second time I cry, but then Hurley saves me. "This would be so sweet, if we weren't all about to die." Hee! Jack can't help but grin at that, but Kate's unamused by the possibility that her gentleman caller list may soon be halved. They move onward and upward.

Stay-Away-From-That-Well Well: Sawyer spies on Faucke and Ben as they gather their gear. Before he knows it, Ben flanks him, points his rifle at him and says: "As long as you're watching, why don't you join us?" Sawyer is pleased to see the well empty and brags that he knows Faucke wants to use Des to destroy Craphole. He wonders if Faucke plans on going down with the "ship." Faucke: "I'm not going down with anything." Not even OPP? Faucke ignores me. "But you and the rest of Jacob's little 'candidates' absolutely are." Sawyer: "We're not candidates anymore." Wait this is when these characters start sharing information? Seriously? Anyhow, as Faucke aroos at this, Sawyer elbows Ben in the face, confiscates his gun and bids the dynamic duo adieu. "I'll be seein' ya." Ben holds his bloody mouth. "You're not going to go after him?" Faucke doesn't need to. Ben: "When you said you were gonna destroy the island, I thought you were speaking figuratively." Ben, don't even tell me Faucke is sneakier than thou. Tsk. Faucke: "Because I said I'd leave you in charge once I was gone? I'm sorry if I left out the part about the island being on the bottom of the ocean. That being said, you're welcome to join me on my boat. Because once we get Desmond to do what we need him to do, I'm going to sail away from this godforsaken place and watch it sink." And I'll probably get hungry out at sea. Faucke lays off the taunting once he notices tracks near the well and crouches to inspect them. "I think there was a dog here." How does T'OQ manage to make Faucke so adorable from time to time? It's...disturbing.

Speaking of dogs, we cut to Vincent who runs over and licks a sleeping Desmond on the face. He's in Rose and Bernard's camp. After they wish him a good morning, Bernard leaves to check the traps for fish for Desmond's brekkie. Alone at last, Rose pours Desmond some tea and tells him that once he's eaten, he'll have to move on. "We broke our rule with you. [...] We don't get involved. Whatever got you tossed inside a well -- that's the kind of drama Bernard and I don't want anything to do with." Desmond feels you, sister. He wouldn't be back now, had his father-in-law not kidnapped him from the hospital at which he was recovering from a gunshot wound in the milk bottle.

Soon, they're interrupted by Vincent's bark. Bernard follows him back into camp, offering an apology that makes no sense until we see Faucke and Ben bringing up the rear. Faucke greets Rose on the fly, and walks right to Desmond, unsheathing his knife on the way. "I'll make this simple. Come with me now or I'll kill them both right in front of you." Rose's bravery surprises me. She's not getting involved, but she's not letting some damnable Smoke Monster intimidate her guest. "You don't have to go anywhere with him." Faucke ignores her and tells Desmond he'll make the couple's deaths painful. Desmond extracts a promise from Faucke: "I want your word: you won't touch them -- ever." Faucke: "Done." Desmond: "Then I'll do what you want." Faucke: "Yes, Desmond, you will." Need the last word, much?

Jungle: Thunder rumbles overhead as Faucke turns to his newest companion: "Do you have any idea where I'm taking you, Desmond?" For a pony ride! No joke, when my father and his twin were little, they had to have their tonsils out. Their parents told them they were taking them for pony rides. Hey, don't bag on my dearly departed grandparents. They were both orphaned (one actually, one virtually) at an early age. They were good people, but they made up the parenting as they went along. And one huge childhood betrayal provided decades of amusement to multiple generations. And

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