Episode Report Card
LuluBates: B- | 1 USERS: A-
Locke and Load

Today is Sayid's flashback day. Yay! I love him. In the past, he is choppety-chopping in a restaurant when he is beckoned out front to speak to a customer. He assumes it is an irate one, so when the guy asks him if he cooked the meal, Sayid looks all abashed and checks to see if his band-aids, fingers, and hairs are all still attached to him. They are, so he sort of shuffles his feet and says yeah. The guy asks him where he's from, and Sayid claims he's from Syria. The customer scoffs and answers in Arabic, "You are as Iraqi as I am, young man." Even though he doesn't look any older than Sayid. Sayid in his world-weary way wants to know what the guy wants. Turns out the guy liked the meal so much, he wants to give Sayid a job! At twice his daily pay! That is so likely! I own a restaurant, and whenever someone really likes his or her hamburger, our cook is gone the next day. We go through six cooks a week! True story!

Sayid walks slowly towards the house. He has his hands in the air and his eyes wide open. He checks out the horse, because the cow isn't enough for him. The horse has a saddle. Sayid keeps walking. He spies a cat sitting on a table. He wisely glares at the cat. Good plan! Those things will totally sit on your chest and steal your breath while you sleep. Glare away, Sayid. He keeps walking. Aaaaand he gets nailed. People on this island sure get shot a lot. Maybe the Island is Baltimore? Kate starts to storm out of the bushes guns ablazing, but Locke puts the kibosh on it and tells her to wait. Patch Adams and his rifle lean out the window, hollering: "I didn't cross the line! We had a truce! This is my land! You said I could stay!" Sayid yells back: "I'm not who you think I am! My name is Sayid! I crashed on the island months ago! I am unarmed!" Exclamation points! Ack! Patch caves and rushes out of the house. Kate and Locke shoot at his feet until he stops in his tracks. Locke grabs his gun while Sayid stumbles to his feet, and Kate for some reason asks him if he's okay. Kate? Honey? He JUST GOT SHOT. There is NO WAY he is okay. Patch is surprisingly nonplussed by the turnabout. He raises his arms and calmly asks if they are really plane crash survivors. Instead of answering, Kate demands to know who he is. His name is Mikhail Bakunin and he is the last living member of the Dharma Initiative. Hmm. Impressive. But not nearly as impressive as being the father of modern anarchism. Eh, what do Wikipedia and I know?

Anyway, Patch is the last surviving member of the Dharma Initiative. And he now believes their story. I find it is very easy to believe stories when there are guns are pointed at your head. Patch and the Losties bring Sayid inside. Patch sends Kate off to get a medical kit so he can repair the damage he's done. Sayid wisely asks if Patch has any experience removing bullets, and Patch admits that he spent some quality time in Afghanistan. So did my cousin in the Peace Corps and I wouldn't trust her to remove a baby from a stroller, let alone a bullet from my arm. Sayid, however, shrugs because he has a bullet in his arm and not many options. He does want to know how Patch ended up there, and about the Dharma Initiative. As Patch starts to, um, patch up Sayid's shoulder, he uses his droning voice and a bottle of Official Dharma Initiative Vodka as anesthetic. He was born in Kiev, he says, and entered the Soviet Army, where he was stationed at listening post in Vladivostok. After they lost the Cold War, he was decommissioned, and after years of doing bad things to bad people, he wanted to do something good. So he answered an advertisement that asked if he would like to save the world. And that's how he became a part of the Dharma Initiative. Quick, gentle reader! Go check Craig's List! Maybe you can still join! So now he lives in The Flame. Or the Frame. Between the Iraqi accent and the Russian accent I am at a bit of a loss here. God, sometimes I am hopelessly Ugly American. So Patch joined the Initiative, who stuck him on this island all alone like a lighthouse keeper. Oh-kay. What is the Flame used for? It is a hub for communication to the outside world. OMG! Lostie jackpot! They are totally getting off the island, like, this episode! Right? Right?! Locke, meanwhile, is wandering around the house, and stumbles into a room full of computers. One is talking to him, asking him if he wants to play. He says yes. He has time to play. He has nothing better to do. It's chess. And it's his turn. Um, Locke? ... Oh, never mind.

Sayid wants to know what happened to the Dharma Initiative. According to Patch, they are all dead because they started a war with the Hostiles. They called it The Purge -- presumably because it came after a long bout of Twinkie-eating, Cheeto-munching, and Snicker-scarfing. How did Patch survive? He did not participate. Hmm, notice a theme? Survival = Not Engaging. Losties, you paying attention? Of course you're not. After the war, the Hostiles came and offered Patch a truce. Don't cross the imaginary line around the Valley and we will leave you alone. They took two cows and left and he never saw them again. Kate rolls her eyes and asks why they weren't interested in the satellite dish or the computers. Patch explains that the dish has been broken for years. Curses! Foiled again! Everyone sighs. Sayid asks Patch who the Hostiles are, but he doesn't know. All he knows is that they have been there a long time. A very long time.

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