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Locke and Load

Locke, Kate, and Sayid are cutting a path through the jungle arguing about directions and hiking in circles and whether they should be following a compass bearing written on a priestly whackjob's beatin' stick. Locke has no problem with this. And since it's his bearing, he's keeping it. Sayid rolls his eyes and says his going to find some food and then hopefully then can have a "rational" conversation about their next move. Oh, Sayid -- did you forget what island you were on? This island scoffs at rational. This island makes mincemeat out of rational. Speaking of mincemeat, is that a cow? It is a cow! It's a cow that lives on a farm. Hey, Kate! Locke! Sayid found a farm! And Patch Adams runs it. With a palomino. Why not? "Home Home on the Craphole Range."

How many Losties does it take to tie up a ping-pong net? Apparently, twelve of them, and apparently it also takes them a long long time, because after Sawyer has cooled down and is returning to camp, the Losties are still busily fixing up the ping-pong table. Sawyer's long walk down the beach has paid off. He has the ball. The only ball on the island. That's funny. I thought Kate had his ball. Heh. Anyway, Sawyer is back and he wants what's his. An ass-kicking? No, he wants his stuff. New Girl (yes, I know her name is Nikki and, no, I don't care) points out that the stuff wasn't his to begin with. He glares at her, points his finger, and says: 1. It was mine when I took it and 2. Who the hell are you? Hallelujah. Someone noticed. We have no idea who the hell she is. I heart Sawyer. Sawyer challenges the Losties to a game of ping-pong. When he wins, he wants all his stuff back. And if you lose, Sawyer? I will not lose, he says. However, just to be sporting, they can choose their own prize. Sun and Jin are busily hatching a plan when Sawyer calls them out, saying, Crouching Tiger and Hidden Dragon have something. Hee! Sun then challenges him to no nicknames for an entire week if he loses. Now I feel bad for laughing because apparently all the nicknames really really hurt the Losties feelings. Sawyer says to pick their best player and he'll be back in an hour to kick ass.

Back at the ranch, Sayid, Locke, Kate, and Rousseau are crouching in the bushes, surveilling the cow. The cow (and the building nearby) is isolated. Sayid checked it out. Dude, Shannon hasn't been dead that long! Locke notices that there is a satellite dish on top of the building. They note its potential long-range-communication capabilities. Kate asks Sayid about Patch Adams. All he (and we) know is that the one-eyed man turned off a surveillance camera in the Pearl Station. Sayid doesn't know who Patch Adams is or what side he is on, but he is going to find out. Rousseau has never seen this man before, and she's not interested in meeting him now. She has stayed around the island this long by specifically avoiding these situations. She's all, smell you guys later! If anyone survives, I'll be over there. And exits stage left. Amen, sister! That is a very sensible MO. Do the Losties listen? No, they do not. Instead Sayid hands Kate his gun and says that Patch is less likely to be hostile if Sayid is unarmed. Yes, the Others always play nice if you are unarmed. Except, you know, for the dozens of times when they don't. Kate takes his gun and agrees to his very rational plan.

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