Living Lohan

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: F | Grade It Now!
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Dancing with the Devil

That night, Ali continues to badger everyone around her about her record. This time the pressure's on Dina-saur. Dina-saur predicts the track will be sent out in a week or so but reiterates that they don't want to rush anything. As they go back and forth with the "Are we there yet?" -- "Almoooost" conversation, Ali plays with her puppy. By which I mean she thrusts what appears to be part of a wire hanger in its face. Dina-saur tells Ali to be patient, and Ali smiles in a fairly scoffing manner.

The next day, Dina-saur gets a call that Ali has been called to audition for a hot shot Hollywood director. The movie -- and I couldn't have made this any more perfect if I tried -- is a remake of Troll, that 1986 classic featuring such talent as Sonny Bono and a young Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Ali might also be able to audition for a remake of Fame, too, if she doesn't prove trollish enough for the casting directors. But I strongly doubt that will be the case.

Dina-saur says that, like LiLo, Ali's meteoric rise to world domination cannot be stopped. She runs through the list of all of Ali's upcoming engagements -- movie auditions, photo shoots, record launch, rehab, hit-and-runs, rehab, sex tape, rehab, ill-conceived burka-themed fashion line, rehab, and inevitable bisexual speculation. You name it, Ali's on top of it!

Well, kids, this was an exceptionally contrived, useless, and insulting episode, even by LiLo standards. I think it might have taken the cake. But... as we say in the biz, there's always next week! And speaking of, next Sunday, Ali proves she can melt down in other artistic arenas, too, as she meets with Rubeus Hagrid for her Troll screen test. Who's in the mood for a heaping helping of mediocrity?!

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Living Lohan

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