Living Lohan

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Lady Lola: F | Grade It Now!
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Dancing with the Devil

Dina-saur heads to meet Mr. Silky Hair. Once inside The Pearl, he shows her some flowing hip-hop-style dancing, then some jazz. And if Dina-saur really thinks Ali can do any of this, then she is crazier than I thought. Then Jonnis pulls Dina-saur in for some partnering work, which -- again -- worked out so well for his last time... And as the Jonnis and Dina dancing montage plays on the screen, I almost feel bad for the kid. He obviously wants a high-profile job, so he's willing to go the extra mile and dance with this extension-clad, tight-faced banshee, but it's all for nothing. Dina-saur just wants to give credence to her doctored biography, which features a (made-up) stint as a Rockette.

They continue twirling and twirling and twirling in the Rabbit Hole as Dina talks about her long-lived passion for dance. She says she took dance six days a week as a child, so she felt alive being on stage again. The sequence concludes with a shot of her doing a cartwheel into the splits... but let's just say this: it is a really long shot -- like, from the bloodiest of the theater's nosebleed seats. Do they have body doubles for reality television? I mean, it wouldn't surprise me. Everything else on this show is so phony. They head out of the theater, and Dina-saur tells Jonnis she'll talk to Ali and be in touch.

Upstairs, she runs into Ali, who is wearing less clothing than ever. But I, too, am in the habit of wearing a sports bra and short-shorts when I'm in highly air conditioned recording studios, so who am I to judge? Dina-saur brags on Jonnis, and Ali says she's not surprised, given her mother's (made-up) history with the Rockettes. Dina-saur says she's arranged for Ali to meet Jonnis that evening at The Pearl.

Cody just happens to drop in on this conversation. He says he has never seen his mother dance, and you can see the wheels in his little ginger brain turning. He asks all sorts of questions about The Pearl, and she starts to get suspicious why he's suddenly so curious about anything other than sports. Cody deviously reveals in an interview that he's planning to get an audience for his mom. Cue entrepreneurial montage, wherein Cody exchanges money with Maloof, designs a flyer to promote his mother's dancing performance ("It'll be sick!"), and disseminates this flyer all over the hotel. The little bugger's even charging $10 a pop!

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Living Lohan

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