Living Lohan

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: F | Grade It Now!
Dancing with the Devil

Last week: Ali made a bitch of Jeremy Greene when she dismissed him and his stupid song. The douche bag has left the building.

We return to The Palms, where we have been for forever and a day. I'm beginning to wonder if this -- listening to Ali Lohan work on her new album for the rest of eternity -- is my purgatory. What did I do to deserve it? Dina-saur paces the empty studio as she calls Zoe Thrall, a Studio at The Palms executive, to tell her that a 14-year-old just cost them tens of thousands of dollars. Zoe then searches for the President of Maloof Productions so she can tell him that a day has been squandered in what amounts to a high-stakes slap-fight. He tells her to see if Ali's first producer, Eman, can bring another track to the table.

The sun swings over the desert as time passes, leading us back to the God-forsaken studio. Eman has returned for, I hope, a large raise in his producing salary. Ali is ecstatic to see him, and Dina-saur says that Eman gets Ali and knows how to deal with (or, some might say, pander to) her. Ali confirms that Eman makes her feel comfortable (because he's a pro) whereas Jeremy didn't (because he's a vain, amateurish jackass).

Her new song is called "Close That Door." Eman tells them it's about letting go of the past and moving forward. He gives them a sly nudge and asks if they can relate to that. Dina-saur and Ali share a knowing laugh. Hey! I've got a suggestion! How about instead we make a song called "Jeremy Greene Sucks"? It'll be Ali's second single, swiftly followed by "My Sister Munches Carpet," "Confessions of a Busted Tart (Daughter to Mother)," and "Look at Me! Look at Me!"

Eman offers to play the track for the LoHos. What then plays is an early '90s-style R&B soft jam with a cheesy Barry White-style voice that's all, "Hey girl, you blow my miiiind." Eman claims the disembodied voice is a hot new rapper called Mad Greek. At this point, everyone's laughing because this is obviously a joke. Right? Right! (Honestly, Ali's whole career is a joke, so it's hard to separate the wheat from the chaff sometimes, but I'm pretty sure that Ali, for all of her hip-hop aspirations, is not going to record the modern equivalent of "I Wanna Sex You Up" meets "Bump and Grind.")

Ali asks Eman to play the real song, and the recording engineer -- who has become perhaps my favorite character... if only for the fact that he resembles Encino Man by way of Nigel Lythgoe -- acts insulted and says, "I mean honestly... we worked on that for, like, three-and-a-half minutes." Ali dissolves into laughter.

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Living Lohan




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