Living Lohan
Mommy Will Fix It

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Lady Lola: B- | Grade It Now!
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Dina's Turn

The next day, Dina-saur drives around, instructing Alexis to Google her. I wish I were kidding. At the LoHouse, Alexis comes across an article that claims LiLo called Jeremy her boyfriend, even though they don't know each other at all. Such scandal that lingers over LoHouse! We soon enough get a series of shots where Ali and Dina-saur take turns basically reading the article in its entirety. For people who are so hell-bent on "setting the record straight," they give a fair amount of airtime to the other side. Basically, the LoHos are upset that their confidant-cum-producer-cum-au pair could betray them. They've known him for three months. Three months! Dina-saur explains that Jeremy doesn't understand the game yet, and that she was once in his shoes. They plan to confront Jeremy with the article and watch his reactions -- kind of like the first step of mafia interrogation.

Jeremy arrives, dun dun dun! Dina-saur is conspicuously missing as Ali does her dirty work... er... I mean, greets him. She's all smiles and sweetness until she takes him upstairs to show him the article, then she really tears into him. She accuses him of displaying the telltale signs of a liar. For his part, he does a piss-poor job of diffusing the situation, partly because it's so unexpected and ludicrous, but mostly because he's dumb. Jeremy tries to explain himself, but Ali keeps cutting him off. She's made up her mind. Jeremy's fate may be sealed, but we shan't know until Sunday. The screen mocks us with three little words: "To Be Continued..." We're talking Hitchcock-level suspense, people.

Judging from the extended "Coming Up" sequence that follows, you'd think a lot of stuff is going to happen on this series, but I can sum it up fairly simply: Dina-saur is a controlling hausfrau, the likes of which I wouldn't want to run into in a dark alley, and Ali is way too young to handle the life she has "chosen." And we wonder why Lindsay has gone gay and taken her lover's last name... But before I go, let's wrap this whore weecap up in a neat little bow called "Allegedly."

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Living Lohan

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