Living Lohan

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Lady Lola: D | Grade It Now!
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In the Grand(ma) Scheme of Things

And now that I have traveled deep into the belly of the beast and am still wondering what Ali means when she says she's going "back" into the studio, I have decided to consult iTunes. Lo and behold! Ali's first album was none other than a Christmas album entitled Lohan Holiday! One track is a Kenny G rip-off of "Silent Night" featuring a dramatic reading by Dina-saur. Okay... I know I shouldn't make fun of Ali because she was 12 at the time and most likely locked in the recording studio by, like, Dina-saur and Scott Storch or something, but even massive amounts of overproduction cannot obscure her generally shiteous voice. But I'm sure it's a great stocking stuffer for your favorite LoFan, so check it out!

The next morning, Phil Maloof -- CEO of Maloof Music, co-owner of The Palms Hotel & Casino, and (ah-hem) Executive Producer of this show -- calls to chat with Ali about her impending trip to Vegas. Before they can go to Vegas, though, they must convince a skeptical -- and sultrier than ever -- Nana to join them in Sin City. Dina-saur explains that Nana's not exactly one for clubbing and snorting coke off of hookers (what else do you do in Vegas?), so she's really going to have to push to get Nana to move out to the desert with them. In order to do so, Dina-saur takes Nana for some high-end grub at a local establishment called The Mixing Bowl, which some of you may recognize from a little show called Kitchen Nightmares. Ummmm...hope this was shot after Ramsay's visit...

Dina-saur asks whether Nana's considering coming to Vegas, and the old sex bomb doesn't even take pause from eating her soup to definitively shut down this idea. Dina-saur pleads and pesters Nana to join them, but Nana's not interested. In case you couldn't tell, Nana isn't down with change. The elder LoHos get to the root of the problem -- Nana's never flown. Dina-saur offers to rent a Winnebago and drive out. Please, dear sweet Lord Jesus, no. This cannot turn into The Simple Life of Lohan. I don't get paid enough... Nana holds her ground.

Back at LoHouse, Cody has a new athletic accessory -- a baseball! Take a shot. Dina-saur corners Cody about Vegas. The little mop-top is on Team Nana. He also doesn't want to go because he'll miss his "friends." It's okay, Codester! The airport has special tags for sports equipment, you can bring them along! Dina-saur VOs that she understands why Cody is apprehensive, but he has no choice. As she says this, the shot abruptly cuts to a close-up that is as excellent an evocation of her Mommy Dearest-ness as I've ever seen. Dina-saur ends the conversation bye promising she'll "make Vegas FUN. Fun, fun, fun." I have a feeling that's how she got LiLo to sip her first Red Bull or hit her first audition. And that has turned out really well.

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Living Lohan

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