Living Lohan

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In the Grand(ma) Scheme of Things

Cody introduces the "Previously" segment. I bet that's the only non-athletic air time he'll get this episode. I think this show's drinking game should be to take a shot every time Cody is featured with some sort of ball. But anyway... previously on Living Lohan: Michael Jr. had a really overblown, totally unnecessary argument with his girlfriend because she preferred to spend time with her own family. There are so many reasons why that's ridiculous, I can't even get into it. Next week's show would be over by the time I finished, so I'll spare you. Let's just get this over with.

Ali strides into Michael's room, fanning the flames re: Nina. Ali totally looks like LiLo back when her only addiction was the tanning bed. She grimaces as Michael explains talks about the fight, though I suspect the grimace originates from her complete disbelief that anyone wouldn't want to spend every waking second, pap-style with her amazing family. Gag me. Spending one minute with these people would probably leave you stinking of Designer Imposters and cigarette smoke. I bet they throw guests into a recording booth and tape the sounds they make while all their flaws are pointed out with magic markers, sorority style.

A montage of Facebook-style drunken photos of the couple flicks past as Michael continues to drone on about his problems with Nina and how they haven't spoken since the fight. Ali chimes in that she doesn't want them to fight because she "loves both of [them] to death." Oh save it, sister. Ali, she of the needily knowing someone for a few months then trusting them with her life (e.g. the long-lost Jeremy Greene), says she's known Nina for so long and doesn't want the two of them to break up. Can somebody say "Mommy and Daddy issues?" Michael tells her not to worry about it because guess what? It's not her problem!

Later, the LoHos pack for their trip to Vegas. Guess what Cody's doing. Learning how to make coq au vin? No! Drafting a treatise on public education? Nope!! Piddling around with a soccer ball? You got it!!! Take a shot. That bitch at the phone company reminds Michael that he has no messages. And I'm pretty sure they just inserted that over some random footage of him walking around the house picking at his ear because does anybody just randomly check their messages anymore?

Also worried about her cell phone is Dina-saur, who shoots packing orders at Alexis. She says she's worried about Michael and Nina but is more stressed about Vegas. Ali's new puppy, God bless its little heart, scampers about while the LoHos toss their slut uniforms into suitcases. Ali interviews with much excitement that she's about to "lay down her first tracks in Vegas"; insider lingo really does not suit her. She VOs that singing is a huge dream of hers, accompanied by shots of Vegas and her performing (on an empty stage to an empty auditorium, no doubt). Ali says she can't wait to get back in the recording studio.

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Living Lohan

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