Line of Fire
Undercover Angel

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Jessica: B- | Grade It Now!
Undercover Angel

Across town, the Pimp A.C. Slater is roughing up one of his whores when Kirk speeds up in his patrol car and starts beating the shit out of him. Kirk is a cop! I didn't really see that coming, I must admit.

Over at the FBI, Lisa explains to Paige how the whole Fucking The Judge thing is going to go down without Paige's actually having know, fuck him. They've got the motel room wired, and they'll be right next door. Paige nervously swears that she'll be okay. Jennifer reminds her that if she needs rescuing, she just needs to use a sentence with the word "mother-in-law" in it, and they'll bust in. "Like, 'My mother-in-law would die if she knew what I was doing,'" Paige simpers, and Lisa gives her a dirty, dirty look. "This is not a training exercise at Quantico, Van Doren. This is the real deal," she tells her. Paige wipes her smile off and agrees, apologizing. Todd looks worried in the background as Lisa announces that she really doesn't think Paige is ready for this. "Ma'am, I'm okay. I'm fine," Paige hastens to announce. Lisa fixes her with a long, long look, and then glances over to Jennifer and finally agrees. Jennifer tells Paige that when they've gotten enough dirt to convict, they'll call her cell phone, and everyone will come busting in. Paige nods and agrees that she'll hit the ground. Lisa is still looking at her. "Those your husband's dog-tags?" she asks. "Yes. Ma'am," Paige says. "Take 'em off," Lisa orders, and Paige's face falls. Oh, Paige, come on. You can't wear some strange dude's dog-tags when you're supposed to be married to a totally different guy in the joint. "And the West Point ring as well," Jennifer says. Lisa looks very unsure about this entire thing, but she finally gives Paige an encouraging little nod when the younger woman twists off her ring. "You good?" she asks. "Yeah," Paige says.

No Tell Motel. Paige, in a black tank top and Seven jeans, lets the Judge inside. How would a crack whore afford Seven jeans? Whoever is in charge of Undercover Wardrobe at the FBI is really dropping the ball. Judge McSkeeze announces that his wife thinks he's on a long run, so he doesn't have too much time. Paige lies that that's too bad. Judge CreepNuts promises her that he'll still be able to "work up a good sweat." Ew. Paige forces a smile and says that she doesn't really know what she's supposed to do. Except, Paige? Your backstory is that you're a former WHORE. So I think you do. And so does Judge AssWad, who pats the bed, telling her not to be so shy. She sits down, and he leans over and sniffs her. "You smell really nice," he says. And Paige leaps back up, telling him that she wants to go slow. "This is slow," says Judge GrossPants, asking if Paige brought condoms. She didn't, but he's okay with this, telling that he's been "fixed." And then he compliments her "lean, athletic bod." Oh, ew. He just can't believe her husband would leave her. She corrects him, saying that he only left because he had to go to the Big House. And she just wants her kid back. She's not even on heroin anymore! "What do I need to do get him back?" she asks. "You need to take off your shirt and show me your tits," says Judge YouKissYourMotherWithThatMouth?. "You know what? We're gonna have a great time. We are. I just need to know that you. And me. Have an understanding. You know what I mean," Paige stammers. The Judge agrees, but says that she needs to know that she's got to take her shirt off and show him her boobies, and also that she's not wearing a wire. Paige plays dumb, but Judge Disgusting points out that she doesn't have any needle tracks, anywhere. Paige rushes to assure him that she's "cool." And she takes off her shirt to reveal a very pricey bra. La Perla: The choice of drug-addicted prostitutes everywhere. She goes for the clasp, but he stops her. "Sit down and let me do that," he says. Yet again: ew. Paige takes a seat on the bed between his legs. He starts kissing her neck. "You taste so good," he murmurs. Paige and I both make horrified faces. "Do you want me inside you?" he asks. I never thought I'd say this, but poor Paige. "Tell me you want me inside you," Judge Nausea whispers. Paige finally forces out that she wants him inside her. I may never be able to have sex again. "Yes. You do," the Judge says. He's, like, eating her neck. He whispers that he can do things to her that her husband never did. Paige's face crumples at the mention of Poor Dead Mr. Van Doren. "What's the matter, baby?" he whispers in her ear, and Paige says she's just upset about her kid. "Don't worry. You and Benny will be together real soon," says Judge IHaveIssuesWithProfessionalBoundaries. "Because we're lovers, right?" Paige says. "I take care of my lovers," he responds. I just can't hear the word "lovers" without thinking of that old Rachael Dratch/Will Ferrell sketch on Saturday Night Live. Somehow, I don't think that's what the writers were going for here.

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Line of Fire




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