Line of Fire
I'm Your Boogie Man

Episode Report Card
Pamie: C | Grade It Now!
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Queer Eye For The Crooked Cop

I like that this show somehow knows I'm guest-recapping, and gives me a playbill before the show even starts, telling me the entire backstory with character names and descriptions of who the characters are, written down with enough time for me to make a crib sheet. Awesome! CliffsNotes for television. And I thought only we did that. Now, I only fell asleep for about five minutes when I watched this episode, but I have no idea why they titled it "I'm Your Boogie Man." Maybe if I'd seen more than just this episode. Here we go.

We open with some scary red fake nails. The Asian owner of the nails hands a stack of money over to a flannel-wearing man, who asks if the nails are real. She nods. The guy -- who's like a fake David Duchovny, asks how long it took to get them that way. The woman holds them up and brags, "Three years." He says, "Wild," and leaves with a bag of money. Only when I rewind because I'm curious do I see that they were in a nail shop.

A yellow convertible drives down the street. A police car rounds the corner and follows, turning on its siren. The yellow car pulls over, and we see that it's Donovan behind the wheel. Is he always so sweaty? Maybe it's the heavy coat he's wearing under the beating sun. Donovan turns off the car and puts his hands on the wheel, where the approaching cop can see them. The cop asks if Donovan knows why he was pulled over. Donovan doesn't. The cop says it was a rolling stop, and that he needs to see ID. The camera pans up. It's fake Duchovny in a cop uniform. Donovan shows fake Duchovny his ID, and fake Duchovny drops the blue bag of money into Donovan's lap. They go through the rest of the motions of getting pulled over, and fake Duchovny lets Donovan off with a warning.

Angle on a magazine actually called Beefcake. The door opens, and a kid in flannel (hi, costume department. Want to work on some variety?), enters the room. He immediately pulls a gun and holds it to the Danny DeVito window, and demands to be buzzed in. Isn't the point of those glass boxes that the glass is supposed to be bulletproof? Anyway, the guy in the box buzzes the kid in, instead of hitting the floor or whatever. The guy in the box looks a bit like a girl, and this is when we're supposed to make the connection: Let's see. Dirty room. Guy who looks like girl working counter. Magazine called Beefcake. Hmm. Is this place gay? It must be gay. Look how filthy it is! The kid with the gun holds up the clerk, and tells him to get in the back. The clerk asks not to be killed. The kid opens the first door. Two men in towels are standing near each other. The kid demands the two men's watches and jewelry. They immediately comply, looking more embarrassed than distraught that they're getting robbed. "Now, don't move!" screams the kid. "Don't move!" In theory, there are about thirty strong, muscular, half-naked, testosterone-pumped, hot, oily guys in that hallway. Couldn't they just jump this kid? Seriously.

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Line of Fire

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