Kitchen Nightmares

Episode Report Card
Keckler: B- | 2 USERS: B+

Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 60

Best Insult of the Night: "It stinks. It's dried parsley -- sprinkle it on your wife, but not on the fucking plate."

We're back on Long Island -- Islip, Long Island, to be precise -- for tonight's Nightmare. The restaurant is called Seascape, and it is run by a mother who has nearly as foul a mouth as Ramsay, and her son, Peter, who is a total mama's boy. The restaurant has been around since 1962, and when Motherboy's father ran the place, it was a huge success, doing 300 covers on Saturday nights. Marilyn, who looks like a Phyllis Diller-Audrey Meadows combo special, has been waitressing at the Seascape since 1967 and she remembers the golden years. Sadly, now she's embarrassed to tell people she works there.

If you want to know what's wrong with the place, ask the staff, and you'll get a variety of opinions. The chef, Doug, says the place smells like a sewer, and another waitress corroborates this. However, Motherboy says it's because Doug doesn't listen to a word he says. His arms folded angrily, Doug tells us he's been cooking for thirty-eight years. He went to the CIA and he's worked in successful, "world-renown" restaurants, so clearly he doesn't think he's the problem. Meanwhile, the waitresses don't think much of him, and I'm inclined to agree.

Now we get the first mention of Motherboy's father, who becomes rather epic for a dead guy. I mean, Ramsay and Motherboy come to blows over him later in the episode. But first, Motherboy chokes up when he tells us that his father died two years ago. He goes on that when the father was alive, he was hands-on in the kitchen. Motherboy is not hands-on in the kitchen and he acknowledges his suckitude, so, like in Joss Whedon dramas, we got tons of Bad Daddy Issues tonight.

Ramsay shows up, telling us that the building is 105 years old and cursing at the "pile of shit" he sees on the front steps. Inside, Ramsay meets everyone. Mother is quite turned on by Ramsay's height and blond hair, but Doug thinks Ramsay's mere presence in his pristine restaurant is a "slap in the face." Ramsay sits down with Motherboy and Mother to get the full thrust of their relationship with the restaurant and each other. Motherboy describes the restaurant as the Titanic, and Mother thinks it's poorly run. Motherboy tells Ramsay to ask Mother when she last complimented him. Mother explains, "Because you just don't listen and that's why compliments are hard to come by." Should we just change Motherboy's name to "Norman" right here and now? "God," is all Ramsay says before asking to try the food. Before ordering crab cakes, salmon, lobster ravioli, Ramsay whispers to the waitress about the stench. "It's sewage," she tells him, adding she doesn't know how people can even come in there. In the kitchen, Doug pulls "cooked" crab cakes from the microwave and hands them off. Oh, yes, this will go over awesomely.

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Kitchen Nightmares




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