Kitchen Nightmares

Episode Report Card
Keckler: D- | 6 USERS: B

Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 27

Seriously? We seriously have to sit through this sham of an episode? First of all, it was boring, and the whole "no one appreciates the poor head chef" crap was already ridiculously stupid last week, so to retread it this week is village idiocy. Secondly (or "thirdly," I guess), I already know that Lela's CLOSED LAST SUMMER! Meh.

I'd like to note that last week's previews for this episode had it that the busboy had "sticky fingers," but in this week's summary, it's the prep cook. I guess FOX shrugs that all black people look alike. This week, we're in Pomona, California, which, according to Mr. Voice-Over, is populated by artists, students, and car enthusiasts. Odd. Lela's restaurant -- our nightmare tonight -- is only seven months old but it's already deep in debt. Owner Lela owes her sister over $60,000 and still needs more. The staff members complain about one another, and head chef Ricky exhibits rap-tastic tendencies. Oh, sorry, FOX told us he was "straight out of the hood," but aside from his rapping, his hats, and his attitude, we see no actual proof of that. Nor does Ricky trot out some sob story about bootstraps and pulling. The prep chef goes by "Buzzard," and he likes to eat the kitchen food a lot. Tabitha, a waitress, yells at the kitchen for not having food in stock. She and Ricky scream obscenities at each other with such hate, I'm shocked we never see them doing it in the walk-in. Meanwhile, Lela is very stressed, which will be important later. But not really.

Ramsay arrives and meets the owner and Tabitha. Sort of seeming to correct Tabitha's American pronunciation, Ramsay asks about the freshness of the "to-mah-to baah-zil" soup. It's fresh, which, as longtime watchers of this show will recognize, means it's not. Ramsay notes misspellings all over the menu and wonders what "chivas" is. Normally, I'd say it was a blended whiskey, but in this case it's supposed to be chives. After learning that the kitchen is out of shrimp, salmon, and tuna, Ramsay orders the not-fresh soup, chicken nachos, and the rack of lamb in chocolate-mint sauce. Yes, I said "lamb" and "chocolate-mint sauce," and no, it's not a dessert. At least, I don't think it is. Ramsay determines that the soup is canned, the nacho chips aren't freshly made, and there isn't any lamb on the (frozen) lamb. In the back, Ricky raps something about diamonds on his fish. Yeah, I don't know. Oh, but get this -- that chocolate-mint sauce? Yeah, the mint is fresh, but the "chocolate" is Hershey's Syrup with "Genuine Chocolate Flavor." I ask you, why stop there? What about Lamb with Calcium-Fortified Chocolate Sauce? Or Dulce de Leche Lamb? Hey, remember those Messy Marvin commercials with the kid from The Christmas Story? He'd make a glass of chocolate milk and then all the hair on the dog would drop off, or the house would explode. I loved those commercials. Speaking of chocolate, Tabitha recommends that Ramsay end his not-eaten meal with the brownie à la mode. Except that the brownies are gone. When questioned about the Nancy Drewish Disappearing Brownies, Buzzard talks about himself in the third person, telling us, "Don't ask the Buzzard, I don't know." More pre-coital yelling and swearing between Tabitha and Ricky ensues.

Ramsay storms back to the kitchen and tells Ricky that his food was a pile of shit. With chocolate sauce. Ricky tries to say that the absence of meat on the $27.00 rack of lamb it isn't his fault, but Ramsay cusses him down. Ricky still doesn't get it, and walks out, saying that he doesn't take shit from nobody. Not even if they give you fish diamonds?

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Kitchen Nightmares




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