Kitchen Nightmares
La Lanterna

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La Lanterna

In this episode of BBC's Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares, Ramsay finds himself in Letchworth, a city twenty miles north of London, where the aim is to whip Lanterna's owner -- a self-styled Italian chef -- into some sort (or ANY sort) of culinary shape, thereby pulling the guy out of his GBP 180,000 debt.

Right off, Ramsay is fairly overwhelmed by Lanterna's festering glut of problems. The kitchen is disgustingly dirty, the Tesco-brand veggies are pre-cooked before being microwaved before serving, and the resulting meals are disgusting. One dish is described by Ramsay as looking like "two poodles' penises doused in parsley." Moreover, Ramsay sees nothing really Italian in Lanterna's food, determines there's no real thought or care going into the cooking, and pronounces the place "fucking dire."

Rolling up his sleeves, Ramsay orders a thorough cleaning of the kitchen and announces that only a "lazy bastard" would use Lazy Lemon in a restaurant. After perching himself in the kitchen in order to watch Chef Alexander cook, Ramsay diagnoses another problem area: all of Lanterna's food is frozen or from a packet. Ramsay informs Chef Alexander that the "plastic sauce" idea needs to be binned along with all the decaying rolls behind the fridge.

Another major area to tackle is Chef Alexander Scott's delusions of grandeur. First of all, the Brit-born chef calls himself "Alessandro"; second of all, he buys a GBP 46,000 BMW instead of fixing his wonky restaurant stove; and finally, the man who microwaves veggies and barely spends any time cooking in his own kitchen has slapped an "A1 Chef" vanity plate on his penis-mobile. Chef Alessandro claims to have been taught to cook by a "very well-respected Italian chef," but when Ramsay tracks down this paragon of Italian cuisine, he finds him in a cab. Not riding in the cab -- driving the cab. Not that there's anything wrong with that profession, of course, it's just that you don't usually see it on a chef's career trajectory, you know? Ramsay decides that Chef Alessandro needs to sell his car, sell the vanity plate, and learn what good Italian food is and how to cook it. When Ramsay takes it upon himself to find a home for the "A1 Chef" vanity plate, none of his own celebrated chef friends seems to be in current need of a "penis extension."

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Kitchen Nightmares

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