Killer Women
La Sicaria

Episode Report Card
Carla Sparks: D+ | 48 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
Gringa Problems
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

The first thing to try to determine about Killer Women is guessing who it's intended for. Is it for people who love Lifetime but can’t afford extended cable? Is it for fans of Sofia Vergara? Is it for someone who was looking for something to watch on Investigation Discovery and landed on ABC through a title search? Or maybe this just exists as another piece of the "bitches be cray" puzzle we keep accidentally building on TV.

The first episode opens with a sexy brunette standing in front of an Alamo-like building in a red dress. Sexy women don’t just go to the Alamo unless they're there for some killin', I hope. We also see some cowboys and longhorns so, I get it, we’re in Texas. Yee-haw. A longhorn gets roped and surprise… it's a man and a woman! Women can rope and ride, world, this is modern-day Texas. But sometimes Molly Parker's time ropin' and ridin' gets interrupted by the duties of being a woman with a great body and she is called inside to choose a sexy black dress.

As Molly tries on a series of black dresses, her friend (or whoever that woman who Sofia Vergara cast is) tells her to get "Jake" to sign the divorce papers. Back to the woman in red, she stands outside a church where a couple is getting married, crosses herself then stalks down the middle of the aisle and no one says or notices anything until she has already shot the bride. She runs away and escapes in a sports car, in spite of, like, eight dudes shooting at her with automatic handguns. Only the heels are left behind...and a bunch of eye witnesses.

Molly Parker gets the call, and I see clearly now that she’s not Jillian Barberie like I kind of hoped she was in the back of my head. The suspect is described over the radio as an "exotic female approximately 5'4", 115 pounds, wearing a red dress is considered armed and dangerous." Someone put that giant lie on my tombstone, please, in past tense.

After pulling like, six U-turns and crazy SUV stunts, Molly Parker successfully wipes out the sports car they've been tailing. The police are close behind, but Molly is right there in a freaking wife beater with a huge gun. A middle-aged man -- who does not meet the description in any way except maybe exotic in other contexts -- steps out of the car. God, Molly Parker's hair is perfect.

Back at the crime scene, reporters outside the church reveal that the bride was an Assistant District Attorney and we learn from a jacket that Molly Parker is a Texas Ranger. The other law enforcers have a picture of the suspect, saying she won’t get far "with that face and ass." We learn that Molly was promoted from State Trooper to Texas Ranger, and also that she is all business. She talks faster than Olivia Pope in that off-putting first episode of Scandal so this whole scene is just like, "Oh God, not this again."

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Killer Women

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