Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List

Episode Report Card
Monty Ashley: A | Grade It Now!
Buy My Book, Y'all!

We open on some good old-fashioned Kathy-and-Maggie stuff. Kathy cannot believe Maggie wants to let a paper towel dry out so she can reuse it. Kathy is delighted at having the evidence to show the world that her mother is weird. But there's no time for that, because we've got a plot this week: Kathy is getting a wax figure at Madame Tussaud's! Kathy figures that makes her "a cross between the Jonas Brothers and Queen Elizabeth." Keep your pervy fanfic to yourself, lady.

Maggie admits that this (the wax figure thing) is something she might consider bragging about to her friends, and Kathy decides she's offended that Maggie doesn't brag about absolutely everything she does. So she tries to shock her mother by claiming that she's also going to submit something for Hustler magazine's "Beaver Hunt" feature. Maggie acts interested and supportive, and it's a weird scene all the way around.

Hang on! The wax figure plot is going to have to take a back seat, because Kathy's visiting Jackie Collins to talk about the craft of book-writing. I look enviously at Jackie's pool, because it's really hot here. Kathy tells a story about meeting Jackie Collins in a bathroom. It's pretty early in the show to have already used the words "beaver hunt" and "glory hole," isn't it?

Jackie likes Kathy's book's name ("Official Book Club Selection") and encourages her to dish up the dirt. She interrogates Kathy about her first sexual experience, and finds Kathy's answer of "19" hilarious. She thinks that's pretty old. Kathy tries to deflect things by claiming to have had a lot of sex just to get doughnuts. Jackie can top that, because she thinks she might have slept with John Lennon at some point. Kathy interviews that she's slept with Sean Lennon. And also Julian and Yoko. "Now how are my presales?" she asks smugly. Dropping quickly, I'd assume. No one wants to read about you getting it on with Yoko Ono, lady. Anyway, Kathy wants tips on book promotion, and Jackie's the ideal person to talk to.

Back to the Tussaud's thing! Two guys from the London Madame Tussaud's are in Kathy's living room to take her measurements and photos and stuff. Kathy appears to be under the impression that they'll be taking a cast of her vagina. Man, this episode is filthy, isn't it? I mean, not that vaginas are inherently filthy. But when Kathy starts talking about putting in a straw "so it can breathe," c'mon.

The picture-taking involves putting Kathy on a turntable and slowly rotating her while they get shots from every angle. Have you seen the making of The Matrix? It's like that. Kathy makes ribald jokes about the calipers and is delighted to learn that the sculptors have recently done Nicole Kidman and various other celebrities. She tries to indulge in celebrity gossip, but they don't go for it. Then Kathy gets covered in sticky dots so they can measure her in various ways. Kathy pretends that they're hitting on her. They're not. Anyway, the statue will be ready in three months. Kathy believes this makes her a bigger celebrity than anyone who doesn't have a statue. Take that, Danny Bonaduce and Steve Martin!

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Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List




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