Judging Amy
Witch Hunt

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Jessica: D | Grade It Now!
Witch Hunt

Back in the courtroom, Featherstone is on the stand while Dobbs mentions that Evan Featherstone, the child, may have participated in some of the "strange ceremonies" Featherstone and her Krazy Kult of Wiccan sistas perform. I don't know how much harm being raised by a Wicca could do the kid, but it can't be anymore harmful than going through life named Evan Featherstone. Amy asks Featherstone if it's true that Evan was involved in any rituals, and Featherstone admits that while they have ceremonies, Evan has only ever watched. Amy asks for an example of a ceremony, and Featherstone starts talking about gods and goddesses and watchtowers of the north, south, east and west blah, blah blah new agecakes. Her lawyer looks perturbed as Featherstone swears that it's all "completely harmless." I mean, whatever floats your boat, but Axelrod is due for a blow-up, and I think mumbo jumbo about "watchtowers of the north" is probably going to set him off. Sure enough, he leaps up and screams, "Satanic rituals are harmless?!" Featherstone's lawyer objects, and says, "No one mentioned Satan." I don't know why, but all this talk about Satan is making me chortle. Where's Bruce? Because he must be cracking up. Dobbs looks about as interested as a man watching paint dry. Amy takes some notes -- on Satan, presumably -- as Featherstone explains that Satan is a Christian construct and isn't acknowledged in Wicca on any level. Featherstone's lawyer argues that because this is all tied into his client's religious beliefs, this evidence is inadmissible. Amy agrees, and tells Dobbs to move on. Dobbs calls Featherstone's old babysitter, Joanne Arnold, to the stand. Joanne says she stopped babysitting Evan because she was scared of what was going on "in that house." Featherstone says that's "garbage." Joanne asks Amy to make Featherstone stop looking at her. I guess she did research for her testimony by reading The Crucible right before she took the stand. Featherstone says she fired Joanne for stealing $140 from her. Joanne counters that Featherstone freaked her out when she offered to cast a spell on Joanne's boyfriend, who Joanne suspected was checking out other girls. Amy asks Featherstone, haltingly, if she did "cast. A. Spell?" Featherstone explains that a spell is just another word for a prayer. I don't think Featherstone is helping her own cause very much, here. Joanne says that Featherstone told her the spell would make her boyfriend impotent with other women. This prompts ANOTHER outburst from Axelrod -- can someone please hold this man in contempt of court? -- who screams that Featherstone hates men and is passing that on to his son. Wah wah, buddy. If you want your son raised a certain way, try helping to raise him. Also, I'm just so sure that you're going to raise him as a paragon of tolerance. But that's only my opinion. Featherstone's lawyer asks again that Featherstone's religious beliefs be protected. Amy reminds him that Wicca isn't recognized as a religion in that state, and that, basically, she's already giving him a break on that count. Dobbs asks if he may call another witness and Amy refuses. Dobbs can't believe it (hee hee. I hate Dobbs). Amy dismisses Joanne and asks that counsel approach the bench, where she tells Dobbs that his witnesses are crap, and Featherstone's poor, nameless lawyer that he can't equate Wicca with the Rotary club. She lays down the law (literally. Because, see, she's a judge) and tells them that she's setting one more day for the trial, and they better give her some decent evidence. Or else.

Vincent is at the literary agency, where an older agent type guy tells him that Hillary has spoken very highly of him. Vincent, thank God, has bathed and cleaned up for the meeting. The agent guy brings up the fact that Vincent won the Pushcart Prize a few years ago and then "dropped out of sight." Vincent explains he "needed some time to think," and looks warily over his shoulder at Hillary, who appears to be wearing a black cocktail dress. In the office. The senior agent dashes off, leaving the two crazy kids alone. Hillary comments that senior agents like to "drop in and take credit for your work." Vincent takes off the kid gloves and snarkily comments that's a "maneuver she's familiar with." Me-yow, Vincent. Hillary gets snippy with Vincent and tells him she "did not steal his story. There're similarities, sure, but, you know, there's nothing new under the sun." I find it hard to believe, even at this early date, that any of Hillary's writing could possibly be original, as she certainly speaks entirely in clich├ęs. Vincent does his patented look off into the distance maneuver, as if to consider her point: "Blind widow starts to believe that her husband has been reincarnated in the form of a young Iranian boy. No, you're right, that's a universal story." Heh. See? Vincent rocks. He takes a violent swig of coffee (or IS IT?) as Hillary -- proving once and for all that she has no soul -- laughs at his impugning of her character and calls it "water under the bridge." What an clever and original turn of phrase. Hillary tells Vincent that she can get him published, although it "means work" for her. Excuse me, but isn't that your JOB? Working to get people published? What else are you doing at the office, other than that? I hate Hillary. Vincent admits that of course he wants to be published. Hillary slithers around to face Vincent and voices her concern that he might have another "breakdown like he did in college." She asks if he can assure her that he won't. Instead of telling her to shut up about his breakdown, and dramatically tossing his cup of coffee into her face, Vincent just mutters that he needs to think about all this. He does look pissed, though.

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Judging Amy




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