Judging Amy
The Out-of-Towners

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The Out-of-Towners

Over at the Halls of Justice, Amy comes skipping out of the courtroom and into the waiting arms of Bruce. Well, she runs into him in the hallway, anyway, and tells him that she "missed [him] in court this morning." I've given up on trying to figure out what Bruce's job is exactly, because one would think that he always had to be in court with Amy, but whatever. Family court clearly calls for the presence of a judge alone, and the rest of the court employees are just around to form her little posse of supportive compatriots. Bruce tells Amy that he was busy "clearing her docket." Is that what the kids are calling it in Connecticut? She flirtatiously asks if she has the next day off. Bruce kind of gives her the eye and tells her that she's going to Marston, to preside over a case involving a child whose mother was put in rehab. "And now she wants him back?" Amy asks wearily. Ah, it's a common derivative of Please, Don't Take My Baby Away, known as Please, Give Me My Baby Back. Bruce exposits that the boy -- who, at 15, isn't exactly a child -- was recently put on Ritalin, and that the mother is challenging the diagnosis. Our Intrepid Judge been called to the scene because the only judge in Marston sees the same shrink the kid does and has, therefore, recused himself. Amy asks Bruce if he's coming with her. He smirks winningly at her and says that he'll drive. Let me just tell you that these two crazy kids want each other. They want each other bad.

At the Ranch, all the kiddies except for Vincent are gathered 'round the campfire -- I mean, the dinner table -- including Gillian and "Stinky Pete"er. Gillian is yammering on about Evie -- their surrogate mother -- and how she's having crazy cravings: "Chocolate, Spaghetti-Os, Ding Dongs." Gillian just described my daily diet, and if those are the cravings of pregnant women only, then I'm calling The National Enquirer because, somehow, I've been impregnated. And trust me, it sure wasn't the normal way. And now that I've told all of North America about my little dry spell, let's return to the subject at hand and hope that none of my exes are reading this, because as far as they are concerned, I am living in a beach house in Malibu with Scott Speedman. Gillian sips her coffee and comments that Evie's "getting really big." Wow, I wonder why? Maxine looks at Gillian incredulously. "Pregnant women get big," she explains. "That's a baby in there, not Ding Dongs." Duh. Lauren wonders whether Amy is pregnant, because Amy also likes Spaghetti-Os. Amy says that she is not pregnant. Stupid Peter explains that Amy can't possibly be pregnant, because she "doesn't even have a husband." Lauren astutely points out that Evie doesn't have a husband, either, and asks how she got pregnant. Amy gives Peter the world's phoniest grin and asks him if he'd like to field that question. Maxine comes to the rescue of her stupid son and informs everyone that the current discussion is not appropriate for the dinner table. Thinking about getting pregnant, I guess, reminds Amy of Bruce, because she takes this moment to ask Maxine if she can pick Lauren up from school while she's on her jaunt to Marston. Maxine can't, but Gillian offers to take charge of the darling pet, trilling that "Evie can help." This pleases Lauren, who says that they can "talk more about babies!" I'd like to point out that in this scene, Maxine has a huge bottle of wine, Amy is drinking what looks like scotch on the rocks, and I'm not entirely sure, but I think Peter was drinking Hooch. People, we have our first shout-out.

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Judging Amy

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