Judging Amy
Not With A Whimper

Episode Report Card
Not With A Whimper

In Amy's chambers -- a picture of quiet domesticity -- Bruce is doing the crossword puzzle as Amy eats lunch. Michael arrives, to destroy the couple's happiness. Or to see Amy, whatever. Amy introduces the two men in her life, but Bruce wisely skedaddles as soon as the opportunity to do so politely presents itself. Michael tells Amy that their divorce has just been made final. She's stunned. "Wow"s are exchanged. They banter flirtatiously over the protocol in this instance and end gazing at one another rather amorously. He asks her to get a drink later. Amy tells him she needs to think about it. The mournful twanging of the Divorce Guitar commences.

Vincent and Donna find Evie's door open, and Evie, within, doing some kind of Lamaze-esque breathing, squatting on the floor, surrounded by lit candles. Vincent tells her that they're going to take her to the hospital. Evie announces that she's going to have the baby at home. Vincent looks like he'd prefer to shoot himself in the head rather than deal with his brother's intractable surrogate. He and Donna exchange incredulous looks before Vincent tells Evie the he doesn't think that's "such a good idea." Evie reasons that "Cindy Crawford had her baby at home, and so can I." Vincent gives Donna his "what the hell?" face and repeats that having the baby at home is not a good idea. He gets on the floor next to Evie and explains that Ms Crawford "had lots of people around who knew something about childbirth." He informs Evie that he don't know nothing about birthin' babies. Not in those exact words. Donna pipes up that she, at least, has seen babies born on the Discovery channel. Vincent tells her that she's not helping. Evie gasps that if they can't take it, they ought to leave. She says she doesn't want to go to the hospital and get hooked up to stuff and have people staring at her and telling her what to do. Vincent and Donna just look at her. Donna asks if she ought to boil some water. Vincent gives her a dirty look. I think he suspects that this is all some crazy dream.

Just so you know, if the recap gets a little wild after this point, it's because I just poured myself a glass of wine. A big glass. More like a mug.

Vincent's gripping his head with both hands, as Donna takes Evie through her breathing. She tells Vincent that she thinks they can "do this." As she starts her spiel about women "having babies in bushes since the dawn of time," Vincent frantically shakes his (sadly, greasy -- one step forward, two steps back, people) head. Evie moans. Vincent asks if Donna is out of her mind and snaps that people have babies at the hospital for a reason -- because there are people there who "know what the hell they are doing." He informs Donna that women "still die in childbirth." Donna claps her hands over Evie's ears. Vincent gets down on his knees and tells Evie that if she dies, "Peter and Gillian are going to kill [him]." Donna finally convinces Evie to go to the hospital by telling her that they have "drugs at the hospital. Gooooooooood drugs. Drugs that can make the pain go away." Nicely, Donna doesn't tell Evie that she's probably too late to get the epidural. Evie moans that she just wants someone to "make it stop." Vincent gives Donna the thumbs up and they help Evie return to the upright position.

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Judging Amy




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