Judging Amy
Culture Clash

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Jessica: D | Grade It Now!
Culture Clash

Woohoo, a Survivor lead-in! CBS is kicking out the jams for us! Hey, how about that Greg? Crazier than a...um, really crazy guy.

So, Amy and Vincent are poking around what looks like the Borders Books and Music on Colorado Avenue in Old Town Pasadena, California, a place where I spent roughly every weekend of my high school career which was not otherwise consumed by either rehearsal or homework. Wasn't I rad? I know they film the series in Los Angeles, and my mother tells me she sees the crew in Pasadena all the time, and aren't you just bloody fascinated by the fact that my girlfriends Jennifer and Joanna and I used to walk up and down Colorado Avenue every Friday night, desperately searching for something interesting to do, and failing, nearly always? Yeah, we were wicked cool. Anyway, Amy is looking for a book to give as a Christmas gift to her former mother- and father-in-law. She muses over a big, fat coffee table art book, as Vincent, who I missed horribly the week I was gone, tells her that she doesn't have to give anything to the parents of a man to whom she is no longer married. Amy is wearing her hair in two long braids, like Heidi, or something. She smugly informs Vincent that the Ex In-Laws are "crazy about her," despite the fact that she walked out on their child. Because, see, Vincent, everyone loves Amy. People prefer Amy to their own flesh and blood. Anyone, given the choice between saving his or her helpless infant from a burning building, and saving Amy, would save Amy. Amy tells Vincent that the Ex In-Laws "probably blame" Michael for their divorce. Vincent chuckles this "you have got to be crazy" chuckle, and asks if this "has been confirmed." Amy sneers and toddles out of the shot, condescendingly explaining to Vincent as she disappears that she knows the Ex In-Laws. She knows very well how they will react to her taking their grandchild, walking out on their son, demanding a divorce, and then putting their flesh and blood through a nasty custody agreement! They'll back her! Duh! Amy leads Vincent to another area of Borders and asks him to help her find a gift that says..."Love me, even though I dropped your son like a sack of cats?" Vincent says, helpfully. As Amy starts explaining, again, that, see, the Ex In-Laws loooove her, Vincent yelps and kind of floats over to a display of books. "Oh my God," he says, picking up a handsome paperback. Amy snatches it out of his hands, reading the title: "A Time of Luck and Kindness by VINCENT GRAY! Oh MY GOD!" she hollers, as Vincent turns green and says, "Oh my God," like, forty-five thousand more times. He shushes her, and explains that while he knew the book was coming out that month, he thought he's "get a warning" before it was actually on the shelves. Amy leafs through the book, grinning hugely. Vincent sort of moans. Amy then raises the book into the air and shouts to the quiet gaggle of Borders customers that "it's [her] brother's book! It's [her] baby brother's book" Vincent looks the way I did the time my mother did her Marlon Brando impression in front of the really, really cute clerk at the local video store, when I was fourteen and mortified by the mere fact that I had parents, never mind parents who thought it was funny to scream "Steeeeeelllllllllaaaa!" in the middle of a crowded video store, right in front of the cutest guy in the neighborhood. Vincent explains to the crowd that Amy is "out on a day pass" and shuffles towards the exit. Amy asks where he's going. "To vomit," says my love. Amy tries to sell a copy of Vincent's book to the woman next to her.

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Judging Amy




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