Joe Millionaire
Sapphire Necklace

Episode Report Card
Kim: B+ | Grade It Now!
Sapphire Necklace

The show opens with exactly the same introduction we saw last week. And I mean, exactly the same. So if you missed it, just go read the first five paragraphs of last week's recap, because that's what they showed. And then, for the people who didn't watch last week but heard about it in the office next day (and are somehow too busy to watch the premiere when it reairs on Thursday), we get a quick recap of the first episode. It boils down to this: Joe lies. Joe lies, when he cries. And he also lies when he's not crying, and when he's riding horses and when he's dancing. The saddest part is that Joe/Evan is not a good liar. The other lesson learned? These women just might be catty gold-diggers. Also, Heidi sucks. Also, fucking Mojo ruins everything. And then Evan sent eight of the twenty women home.

Butler Paul reprises his Masterpiece Theatre bit. I get the feeling that these segments were taped after the show finished production, and that originally the "host" Alex McLeod was supposed to do them. But she sucked, or was on drugs, or threw a tantrum, or something, and Paul got the gig. Which is good, because Paul is funny. But I'm still completely mystified as to the truth behind why Alex is barely on the show. Instead of a host, she should be called a ghost. Anyway, Paul welcomes us back and explains that, in tonight's episode, Evan will entertain the women in the French countryside. In addition, the women will become embroiled in something called "Heidi-gate." Ooh, maybe Heidi admits that she's really forty years old. Or that she's a guy. Or that she's a lesbian. All I know is that I was promised a shocking secret, and I'm sure that FOX won't let me down. I mean, it's not possible that they overstated the case just to gain viewers, right? Right? I mean, it's FOX. That name practically stands for programming integrity. Ahem.

In an interview, Mojo says that she expected Evan to be "somewhat wealthy and handsome," but that she didn't know that he would have "the full package." Yeah, I saw those pictures on The Smoking Gun too. And "full package" is exactly the phrase I would use. But whereas Mojo terms it "exciting," I would call it "grody."

Paul folds some clothes in Evan's bedroom. Evan walks in with a duffel bag and says that he's brought his own clothes for Paul to check out. In an interview, Evan says that he brought "some pretty ragtag clothes" to France. Evan pulls a flannel shirt out of his duffel bag and hands it to Paul, explaining that it's "a little ripped" and "got caught in a combine." I think he was joking with the combine remark, because if his shirt got caught in one while he was wearing it, he would probably be missing a few fingers at the very least. And on behalf of my late grandfather, who lost part of his hand in a combine, I would like to say that I don't think Evan's being very sensitive. Ha ha! Just kidding. Well, my grandfather really did lose part of his hand in a combine. But I don't think he would care if someone made jokes about it, since he used to joke about it all the time. In fact, if he were watching the show with me right now, he would probably say, "What in the hell is this? Is Lawrence Welk on? Margaret, can you grab me a Genny Light?" Anyway. Paul examines Evan's torn flannel with the disgust one would usually reserve for a maggot-ridden animal carcass. In an interview, Paul says that Evan's wardrobe is about what you would expect from a construction worker making $19,000 a year. You know, one thing that bugs me about the whole salary issue is that I remember in my first real-world job, I made $17,000 a year, and I thought I was rich. Evan pulls out a pair of ripped and dirty jeans, like, couldn't he do laundry before he left? Also, Joey Lawrence called and he wants his pants back. And he also asked me to tell you: "Whoa!" Paul says that he doesn't think Evan's wardrobe will really fly at the chateau. In an interview, Paul says that Evan needs to work on his wardrobe. In an interview, Evan says that Paul redressed him to make him look suitable for the women. Evan pulls on a crewneck sweater and some black slacks. But he's still wearing white socks. I'm sure Paul will correct that. Paul tosses Evan a zip-neck sweater, which Evan pulls on. This is like that episode of Friends where Joey put on all of Chandler's clothes at once. Two sweaters? Isn't that a bit bulky? Evan asks if his hair looks like it's poofing out. Yes, actually it does.

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Joe Millionaire




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