Joe Millionaire
Pearl and Sapphire Necklaces, Again

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Kim: C- | Grade It Now!
Pearl and Sapphire Necklaces, Again

Monday. I really love when they use exactly the same opening segment, because then instead of trying to think of something else funny to say about it, I can just link it.

Paul welcomes us back. Wouldn't it be funny if, as the series went on, Paul got more and more drunk and drunk in these opening and closing segments? So that by the end, he was just like, "This show sucks! Do you know I barely got paid for the first season? I made this show what it is! I -- bleargh!" (That last part was him throwing up all over.) Paul says that David "just survived an encounter" with the ladies, and that while it looked "rather dodgy," David's charm won out. Well, really it was Hurricane's charm. Paul says that tonight David will be facing "a more formidable task" when he hosts the ladies at a ball. And they haven't bothered to tell the ladies that some of them will be eliminated at the end of the night. Nice. I would love to know what the women were told this show was about in order to get them to agree.

We start up where the last episode left off, with David riding off on his horse and the women giggling. Karolina asks what the horse's name was. Hurricane whinnies back, "It's Hurricane, bee-yotch! Neigh!" Petra interviews, "Then he came on his horse, and it was really exciting." Normally I'm not one to make fun of malapropisms by non-native English speakers, but come on. That's hilarious. Because David really, really loves that horse. It's also funny because most of the women pronounce the word "horse" like "whores." So that's an extra added dimension of puerile humor. I enjoy that a great deal. Lina says she feels sorry for David because he's so shy. Alessia's fan is going a mile a minute. You know, someone told me that the energy you expend by waving a fan around cancels out any cooling action you might get from a breeze. I don't know if that's true, but the way Alessia is fanning, she has got to be breaking a sweat. David grinningly interviews that as he got closer, the women got better-looking, and he thought he was at the Playboy mansion. When he says "Playboy," the camera focuses on Lina's crotch. Classy. Johanna interviews that she liked what she saw, and that David was "quite handsome." Linda interviews that David seemed nice, and he had nice teeth. Linda has nice teeth, too. They would have very toothy children.

David interviews that after meeting the ladies, it "jumped up another notch." He thinks that there are plenty of beautiful women in America, but that these women are "exotic." I have to say that fully half of these women look like they could be American to me, so I don't really get that. David interviews that the "tall girl in the center" stuck out to him. I guess he was talking about Lina, since that's whom they focus in on. Lina interviews that it's very cool that David is a cowboy, because it's "a bit more fun." Cat interviews that she never met a cowboy before. Hey, I live in America and I've never met a cowboy before. Jerusha interviews that David "looked like the Marlboro Man." He's not nearly rugged or cancer-ridden enough to be the Marlboro Man. Karolina says that normally in life, you don't have guys coming up to you on a horse. Hey, speak for yourself there, Czechie. Petra interviews that she is also originally from a farm, so she and David will have something to talk about. Linda interviews that she's interested to hear his life story. Anique asks the other women if they should start the catfight now, or wait until later. Hee! That just made me like her. Olinda says, "You got Texas, and then you got Rome." That is some wisdom for the ages. Who knew Texas and Rome were two separate places. Although there is a Paris in Texas. And there is a Rome in New York. Oh my God, I just turned into Olinda with the useless information for which no one asked.

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Joe Millionaire




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