Joe Millionaire
Meet David Smith

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Meet David Smith

Ooh, it's an International Affair! That sounds classy. I'll bet this season won't be trashy and vaguely gross, like last season. Some on-screen text tells us that it's February 2003. Was the finale of last season really only eight months ago? It seems like it's been so long! Evan told Zora that he didn't really have $50 million . Text whooshes out at us to claims that this episode was "the most watched entertainment program of the year." Was it really? And also, isn't the year not over yet? You never know. Third Watch could have a resurgence. Zora accepted Evan's ring and danced with him while wearing the same dress my friend Brenda wore to the prom in 1990. Evan and Zora sucked face, and while I kind of hate that phrase, it most accurately describes what they were doing. And then Zora dropped off the face of the earth, because she's not a whore, and Evan did KFC commercials, because he is.

October 2003. Hey, that's right now! Time travel is possible! We've got a new fancy house, and all new ladies to fool. The new group is told that their Joe is worth $80 million, and they all drink champagne to celebrate. The on-screen text calls them "fourteen unsuspecting European beauties." "Beauties"? We'll see about that. Various women reveal themselves to be money-grubbing whores. Even worse -- European money-grubbing whores. And if there's anything I've learned from watching American-made action movies, it's that you can't trust people from Europe. More on-screen text tells us that also involved in this mess will be "one American cowboy." Said cowboy looks a lot like a young Woody Harrelson. And talks like him too. He kisses various ladies and wonder what will happen when they find out he's not really rich. On-screen text reads, "One big lie." Just one? The money-grubbing European whores also reveals themselves to be bitches when they turn on one another. On-screen text claims, "They said we couldn't do it again." No, I think what we said was that we wished you wouldn't do it again. The music builds. Women cry. The cowboy laments ever getting involved. I feel you, cowboy. On-screen text says, "They were wrong." The cowboy cries. Cries! I can't wait for that episode. The cowboy admits that he hasn't been completely honest, and that he's not rich. Now that we've wasted, like, five minutes on that segment -- which is sure to be shown at the beginning of every single episode -- I have to wonder: Are there really people watching this show who don't understand the premise and needed it explained to them in that much detail?

The credits are kind of like the credits from Bonanza with the fake Western adventure-type music. A map of Europe is superimposed over a shot of the cowboy riding his horse. Is he riding his horse through Europe? Each of the women is introduced based on her native country, but I'm not going to cover them individually yet. Just know that there are three from Germany, two from Sweden, four from the Czech Republic, two from the Netherlands, and three from Italy. The cowboy gazes out over Europe, and then I totally called it that this was a Bonanza rip-off, because the map burns up at the end. Paul the Butler welcomes us to the next Joe Millionaire as the music ends with a flourish.

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Joe Millionaire

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