Joe Millionaire
Diamond Necklace

Episode Report Card
Kim: B | Grade It Now!
Diamond Necklace

Melissa acts like a reporter for Playboy interviewing Evan for his big centerfold as she asks for his turn-ons and turn-offs. Evan says, "I like legs." What is he, a caveman all of a sudden? He forgot how to utter words with more than one syllable? Also, that's a total lie because he likes boobs more. Evan also likes women who wear high heels to accentuate their legs (read: push-up bras and low-cut shirts to accentuate boobs). In an interview, Melissa says she wants to get to the next round, so she's "got to get [her] game on." The music starts to sound like "Gangsta's Paradise" and I expect Coolio to wander out and start rapping while Michelle Pfeiffer teaches some inner-city youth. Melissa rubs Evan's leg with her foot. He feeds her some whipped cream and some sort of cookie and she tries to eat it all sensuously. Evan asks if she's ready to go.

Evan and Melissa return to her hotel room and sit on the couch. Evan is doing that annoying guy thing by sitting with his legs a million miles apart, like, we all saw the swimsuit modeling pictures and it's not that impressive, so scoot over and make some room. Melissa plays with her own hair as she asks if his stomach made a noise and if he's still hungry. Evan grunts in response. In an interview, Melissa says that her gut told her to do this. Maybe Evan's gut told her to do it. Maybe those noises she heard were Evan's gut sending her subliminal messages. Melissa sits next to Evan with her elbow totally in his ribs and he starts playing with her hair. She pretends she's suddenly interested in the way the courses were served, and she turns her torso to face Evan and puts one hand on his inner thigh, while also managing to flash her white underwear to the camera.

In an interview, Evan says that Melissa was "coming on pretty strong," which was okay with him. Melissa continues the conversational gambit about the meal and it's a good thing she did shave her bikini line last week because we are totally seeing it right now. Melissa moves around while she talks and kind of hovers her hand over Evan's crotch while talking about fish. This is like those Tom Cruise in Magnolia seminars where they tell you to mention keywords and use body language to seduce people. Melissa pulls her elbows in, the better to squish her boobs up and out some more. She ends up sitting with one hand on each of Evan's leg, which is the most unnatural pose ever, except that it totally looks like she's about to dive-bomb his crotch. In an interview, Melissa says that "the mood was just really intense." Cut to the couple sitting on the couch, barely touching. Melissa pulls her dress up and flashes her legs (and ass) (and white underwear, again) and asks if he likes them and then pretends she was kidding. Evan continues to play with her hair. Melissa says, "I'll make this easy for you," and turns so that she can put her head in Evan's lap. Evan voice-overs that it was all building up to something. Melissa baby-talks, "I thought you wanted to make me happy!" Evan shows off his seduction skills as he mentions how comfortable the bed is. That was so lame. Melissa totally goes for it, though. They go into the bedroom and make out, and then the doors close. They totally did it! Awesome.

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Joe Millionaire




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