Jersey Shore
We Are Family

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: B- | Grade It Now!
The Bitchuation

Okay, no more serious talk. There's fat suit-wearin' to behold! How did these kids get fat suits with nipple tassels and cheerleader accessories? Don't ask, don't tell. Naturally there is Jersey Turnpiking. Title card: "JELLY."

Dinner finishes, and Deena thinks it's time she and Sammi unleash their virtuoso prank on the guys. They convene on the deck outside the smush room and haven't even loaded up the first water balloon in their slingshot before Pauly catches wise. More tellingly, he just stands there and waits for their inevitable failure to be effective. Sammi launches the first balloon, and it actually breaks the glass between the railing and the floor of the roof deck. Pauly laughs, and they keep firing away. If anyone needed more proof that this show is ultimately an exercise in irresponsibility, anarchy, and nihilism, well... there you go. They will destroy everything! Including, if they're very lucky, each other.

Ronnie gets the bright idea to lock them onto the deck. They wait like sitting ducks as Ronnie fills his own water balloons, and the guys gather at various staging areas. The girls cluster under a tarp, but it's no use. Within minutes, Ronnie has dumped an entire bucket of water on Sammi and Deena. To my reckoning, this would have been the point to really dig in their heels and go for broke. Instead, they call a truce. Worthless. Wet and worthless. Pauly says, "Once again, the girls' plan to prank us backfired. They should just stop before they really get hurt." And I'm pretty sure he means that. This crazy punk moved an entire house out onto a deck. What's a little bloodshed?

Apparently I spoke too soon because Deena has decided to keep the water fight going. She runs around uselessly, firing off a short here or there with a puny little water gun. But she's outnumbered and not in the way that worked for those ab-flashers from 300. In a way that ends with Pauly tipping her head first into the hot tub and Vinny putting the cover over her while she's still submerged. As we go to break, Deena still has not emerged from the STD-laden waters. Cliffhanger!

The next morning, it wouldn't be a complete summer without Pauly annoying the shit out of everyone one last time. Title card: "WAKE UP YEAH!" He grabs not one but two smoke alarms and heads into each and every room in the house, climbing on the beds and screaming at his roommates. JWOWW admits she won't miss the screaming, and the kids start packing. Snooki packs the most colorful items, including Lola the Vegas Hooker Bunny (much worse for the wear) and a bottle of some sort of liquor. (Obviously she didn't fully learn her lesson when she bought that big-ass bottle of wine in Italy, put it in her suitcase, then broke it five steps later.) For his part, Sitch finds a misplaced bra under his bed, holds it up to the cameras, and laughs like Butt-head or a proud dog. Good boy, Sitchy! Good boy!

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Jersey Shore




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