Jersey Shore
We Are Family

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: B- | Grade It Now!
The Bitchuation

Cut to the kitchen? The girls are agitating for Deena to confront The Situation about his shit-talking. She obeys like a barrel-chested puppy, walking up to slur at him about trashing her sister. He lies to her face, insisting people are just trying to stir up drama. Wow. Deena idiotically says she wants to believe him but "he's still Mike, and you never know." You always know! What happened to these kids last week that we didn't see? Was there a Deliverance moment that bonded them to where they've dropped all suspicion and/or common sense (not that they had much to begin with...)? Deena asks Sitch to be honest, and he dances himself into a corner, yammering like a crackhead that maybe Snooki overheard him, maybe Joanie does do this heinous act after all, and that it would be cool anyway if she did because guys like that. Dude, you just got mentally outmaneuvered by Deena. To be fair, that gives undo credit to Deena. Sitch just shit-talk shadowboxed with himself -- and lost big-time.

As the night winds down, we see Vinny and the lesbians putting on their clothes and are left to trust that this wasn't some edit suite trickery. Vinny says, "I've had some pretty low points this summer, but I just fucked two lesbians..." Well there was a statement that just affirmed every militant lesbian feminist who thinks men are only out to objectify and use women. Also? Lesbians: Better than Prozac and Paxil combined! The next morning, he sees them out and checks that item off his "Fuck-it List." Sammi wonders if it was weird? Vinny's all, "Uh, no! It was still penis-in-vagina... but times two!" Deena is impressed because "they were, like, real lesbians." Pauly jokes they it was basically like having sex with him, and man he has really been waiting for ages to have a vicarious moment that legitimate.

The kids' last night is upon them, and so is a whole mess of wind and lightning. JWOWW is annoyed that her last hurrah will be compromised, Deena is wetting her pants in fair, and Pauly's reasonably noting, "I don't want to get lightning in my hair!" The storm siren begins blowing, and Deena thinks her best course of action should a tornado actually blow through is to get in a car. SUVs are totally more sturdy than houses! The power temporarily goes out, giving Pauly the perfect opportunity to grab Deena by the shoulders and shake her as he delights in her panic. Deena's all, "I saw Wizard of Oz, I don't want to be like Dorothy, like, swingin' around in the frickin' sky." Of course she doesn't actually leave the house, and Sammi immediately mocks her for thinking driving around in a tornado was a smart move. If Sammi is calling you dumb... well let's just say that's like Ronnie calling you simian.

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Jersey Shore




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