Jersey Shore
We Are Family

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: B- | Grade It Now!
The Bitchuation

Previously: The least successful retreat to nature The Cabin in the Woods, Eden Lake, and The Strangers -- if only because none of these douchenozzles actually died. And Pauly and Vinny pulled a prank that will be funny for about 15 seconds, and then they'll realize they wasted an entire day planning it... which was still better than going camping with the others. Also, Deena's sister banged The Situation's brother so many weeks ago I can't even remember. She is a loose end in every sense of the word.

Pauly and Vinny are sipping umbrella drinks and sitting in a kiddie pool in the Astroturfed house as the roommates return home from the wilds of New Jersey. Snooki is the first to walk in the door and is quick to deliver her paycheck-earning overreaction. She loves the Tiki party vibe... until she realizes her pee-pee bed has been moved. That's crossing the line! Deena, JWOWW, and Sitch follow. Pauly giddily notes the stupefaction on Sitchy's face and says, "Mike looks even dumber than he normally looks!"

As the rest of the roommates head up to the roof deck to find their belongings, it's clear that Pauly and Vinny have really outdone themselves with "Operation: Inside Out." They've even lined up the girls' stilettos in neat rows in front of their beds. Pauly tells Vinny to bask in the glory as he declares them prank war champions. Ronnie soaks a couch cushion in skeezy hot tub water and chucks it down at Vinny. Pauly: "That's all they got?" Oh, Pauly, you've lived with this cave man for months on end, and you still haven't realized his inherent limitations?

Sitch takes the change least well of all and starts pacing around angrily. He's so flustered by the circumstances that he refuses to bring his things back even under the threat of an impending rain storm. Pauly and Vinny puts tarps over the things they can't get back inside quickly enough. Sitch just watches with a sour mug on his face. He explains, "I just really don't like people touching my stuff. That's what it is." Seriously? The levels of cognitive dissonance in that statement are staggering. You let disease-riddled women sleep in your bed and suck on your junk, but you're so upset when your homeboy-for-life touches it (the bed) that you'd rather it get ruined?

After a bit of rain, Sitch goes up to be even bigger a baby and sits down on his damp bed, which quickly collapses because it's propped up by cardboard boxes. Pauly thinks Sitch is being a spoilsport. Sitch bitches that everything is destroyed and threatens to leave the Shore House early. Please! Please do! You guys, this is the finale -- probably the last episode of this show ever (at least with the original cast intact -- and this is it?! Pauly and Vinny finally relent and help Sitch move his stuck back inside. (What's the point?) Snooki thinks Sitch's nickname should be changed the "Bitchuation."

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Jersey Shore




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