Jersey Shore
The Great Depression

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Lady Lola: C- | Grade It Now!
Ron Ron Blues
trust anyone in the house.

While JWOWW and Vinny go to work, Pauly, Sitch, and the Meatballs drive go-karts -- of which Snooki can barely reach the pedals. She really does still need to be in a booster seat. When they get home, Deena worries about going out because she's constipated.

Downstairs, Sammi's sister calls Ronnie to thank him for the flowers. She also thanks him on Sammi's behalf and says that Sammi's not here, which a split-second later turns out to be a lie. Sammi takes the phone, and Ronnie freezes. They have a stilted conversation that he cuts off before they can get into another fight.

Elsewhere, Pauly's nighttime FTD ritual is interrupted by a pair of soiled panties. Deena insists they're not hers, and Pauly thinks they're not Snooki's because of the lack of bronzer. Ronnie suggests they GTF -- "Gym, Tan, Find Out Whose Underwear Those Are." When JWOWW and Vinny return home, their attention is immediately drawn to the knickers in question, but JWOWW denies they're hers. Sitch soon comes downstairs and is likewise revolted. Pauly jokes that he has the same pair, but his are red. Despite the impossibility of peace at the shore house with such a great mystery yet unsolved, the gang decides to throw away the offending panties. They speculate some more as to whether it might have been one of the dirty tricks one of the guys brought home. Pauly says it's the grossest thing he's ever seen and wonders, "What the hell goes on in this house?" Which, certainly a valid question. Another valid question: How old are you fucking people? Surely if any of these people have been in a sleepover relationship, they've seen a pair of period panties before? Also, you are willing to lick vagina, but you're not willing to look at those panties? I know men are generally skeeved out by anything menstrual, but considering the general lack of hygiene and/or standards in this herpes nest, how can this possibly be the grossest thing Pauly -- or any of them -- has ever seen? That is not a rhetorical question. How?!

Panty debacle over, the kids shift their tits and jocks into place and get ready to head out. But not before having an extensive conversation with sound effects about how Deena's current constipatory dilemma will give new meaning to her nickname "Blast in a Glass." One girl, many cups. Deena gets pissy about the teasing, so Pauly diffuses the tension by taking a pratfall over the beanbag chair when he announces, "Cabs are he-ah!"

Karma. Pauly runs into his ex Gina. They catch up for a few minutes before Sitch literally elbows his way in, swoops Gina up, and starts bouncing her up and down on his junk. Pauly knows she's smart enough not to fall for Sitch's aggressive game, and she proves him right by immediately reporting back to Pauly that Sitch tried to take her home. Mission: Fail.

Meanwhile, Ronnie has found yet a new reason to whine now that he's encountering Karma for the first time alone -- by which he probably means "knowing I can't get my motorboat on with skanky chicks here then go home and sleep with Sammi." Snooki sees him moping and gives it to him straight. She tells him that he treated Sammi like dirt and that she deserves this time to herself. Ronnie remains in denial, claiming he's going to figure out how to get her back. Snooki advises against them as a couple, but Ronnie tells her matter-of-factly, "I get what I want." Snooki says she's done trying to talk sense into the two of them.

After Vinny and Snooki both find their tricks for the night, everyone walks home. Along the way, all the teasing from earlier (along with an unknown amount of alcohol) finally gets to Deena. She has a weepy meltdown about wanting to go home because she thinks no one loves her. Perhaps proving her point, The Situation calls her a "Sloppopotamus" -- a combination of a Slop Tart and hippopotamus. Once they get home, Ronnie of all people is the one to try to comfort her. She finally explains to the gang why she's upset. They insist they were just kidding, but Ronnie sees it's not helping. He takes her outside for a pep talk that's basically like, "No one's more pathetic than me. You can do this!" He also asks her to fetch him some hamburger fixings, and the distraction works, at least for now.

Snooki, on the other hand, only has one hunk of meat on her mind, and that's Gianni, the guy she met at Karma. As they head up to the Smush Room, Vinny recognizes Gianni as one of the entourage of cock blockers he encountered when he tried to scam on a girl of dubious age some weeks back. He enlists the other guys to clown Gianni like he did to Vinny. They have a few minutes of antics, but Snooki hasn't been laid in four months, and she is on a mission. She escapes Vinny's clutches and gets her squirrely ass back in there to get it in. In the middle of it, he asks her to say his name. (Who does that?) Snooki doesn't know it, though. Instead of going with Dick, which is really all that he means to her, she covers and gives him the ugliest name she can think of: Bernard. He seems momentarily annoyed, but ultimately get on with it.

Vinny then takes his trick upstairs to smash. Now, as we know, The Situation is not one to be put off by awkward, completely inappropriate interaction. Nor is he one to let a few sex moans get in the way of a nice meal. So on this occasion, he literally brings up a burger to Vinny and his girl as they are tangled up in bed, then forces them to eat this burger. He's all, "Just one full bite. One full bite and I'll leave." This burger is that good, y'all. And then he forces Vinny to take a bite of his pickle. No euphemisms there, friends. For what it's worth, Vinny thinks that Sitch hopes that, by some kinky long shot, Vinny might decide to reciprocate the generosity and offer Sitch a taste at his leftovers, if you know I mean. As he leaves, ever the good friend, Sitch offers to bring them back up a drink. Vinny's like, "No thanks, man. All good." Then the girl, bless her, laughs it off and tells Vinny that the burger dripped on her neck, and Vinny kisses off the grease. Which sounds gross, but is kind of hot.

Downstairs, Ronnie has become sullen again. Deena sees him sulking and decides to come clean that she and JWOWW moved Sammi's stuff. He appreciates the honesty but wonders what he's doing at the house without Sammi. Deena encourages him to stay, but he thinks it would be pointless and self-destructive. He continues to wave that codependent flag, saying, "If that's what she needed, then that's what I need."

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Jersey Shore




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