Jersey Shore
Sharp Objects

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: F | Grade It Now!
Bait & Sitch

Previously: It was love for everyone at the Jersey Shore -- The Situation and Lola the Bunny Suit, Pauly and his stalker, and Roger and JWOWW's boobs.

It's back at Karma, where JWOWW's "dress" inspired some schmuck (or as the Italians would say, "strappo") to think he was within his rights to grope her and assault his with his vodka-Red Bull dragon breath. Long story short, the guy makes the stupid decision to punch Roger. Cue the title card: "ROGER FIGHTING." I love how literal they are sometimes. The guy gets dragged out by the bouncer as Ronnie intones -- as if he's the first ever to think of it -- "Karma's a bitch!" Alas, there is no title card that follows, "RONNIE LAUGHING." It seems like they've barely been there before the gang decides to go home. Such is the shut-it-down power of JWOWW and her "dress."

Everyone arrives back at the Shore House. Snooki is ready to get it on, but Jionni decides to inconvenience her life by getting violently ill. She practically drags him off the toilet and plops a bucket down next to him so he can satisfy her sexual needs. And get another UTI, presumably. Also? How is she still turned on when he is clearly going to have vomit breath? And why do I continue to try to judge Snooki by the hygiene standards of a normal person?

JWOWW is in a similar bind when Sitch tantalizes Roger with his hearty feast of carrots, celery, and mayo, thus pulling him away from JWOWW and the smush room. Sitch feeds him not one but two turkey burgers while JWOWW rolls around on the bare mattress upstairs, calling out his name impatiently. Notably, she's put on a T-shirt and booty shorts, plus hooker boots (like Vivian's in Pretty Woman). At first I thought she hadn't bothered to take off her club garb, but it appeared she actually made a point to change into these boots as part of her mating dance. Roger is a thigh-high boots guy, apparently. JWOWW heads out to the balcony to try to coax Roger upstairs, but he's all, "I got another sandwich comin'!" She mopes off as Roger says, "I'm actually in love." Ronnie: "With your sandwich!" JWOWW returns back outside just as Roger and Ronnie are talking trash about how bossy she's been the last few days, so she retaliates by throwing some resistance bands on his head. Only on the Jersey Shore! She says, "Obviously someone's not getting laid tonight." I think she means Roger, but she's also waving her hand like "Me!" while saying this. Point being, it's a lose-lose. Roger says brazenly that he won't kiss JWOWW's ass, and then about two seconds later, "All right, I better get going. I'm gonna get my ass kicked." Interestingly, this was actually a moment when I thought, "These two are going to make it!"

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Jersey Shore




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