Jersey Shore

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: F | Grade It Now!
So Crappy Together

Our host Julissa shows up in an outfit that makes Filthy Couture look cla$$y. She welcomes the gang, who have varying degrees of enthusiasm on their faces, ranging from Sammi (least) to Pauly (most).

Julissa turns first to The Situation and asks if it was their best summer in Seaside. The grammarian in me is all, "the better summer, the better!" (Since there have been only two.) Sitch says that, after Miami, everyone was more comfortable back in their native habitat, and it definitely showed. Hence stripper poles, anal probes, and now unblemished arrest records. Julissa asks Deena how her first summer on the shore was. Deena says she had a blast (in a glass!) and doesn't regret anything -- well, except maybe dropping trou in front of The Situation on the first night. Sitch jokes she's not the first girl to have that natural reaction. Nor would she be if her reaction had been to hightail it to the hills.

Julissa introduces the first package, loosely described as all the things the gang said and did to make us laugh. Highlights: JWOWW manipulating her boobs, lady belches, JWOWW peeing behind the bar at Karma, Vinny "proposing" to Pauly (Pauly said yes!), and Sitch forcing his tricks into his sweats. Julissa asks JWOWW if she has an abnormally small bladder. JWOWW half-asses an excuse that Karma is really big and it'd take a long time to get downstairs to pee. Vinny jokes that he knows where JWOWW's dogs get their shameless bathroom habits. Julissa turns to Sitch to ask him if he thinks girls are sexier in boy clothes. He says that getting them into sweats is an easy way to sidestep all their complicated feminine apparati like bras. Julissa snarks, "You mean to tell me by now you don't know how to work a bra?" Sitch just goes, "Ohhhhhhh," and doesn't bother responding. Wow, they really don't care to be here, huh? Guess they didn't get paid for this episode. Julissa asks Pauly if he's going to DJ his own wedding to Vinny (in Rhode Island's neighboring Massachusetts, presumably). Pauly plays gamely along, saying he's happy to play both roles -- bride and DJ. Julissa rationalizes that he must be the bride because he requires more hair gel.

Now time for the one-on-ones. Snooki is first in the hot seat. At the beginning of the summer, just as now, our girl is Snookin' for Love. Snooki says she was disappointed that none of the juiceheads were looking for the true love this past summer. Eventually, she says she just started playing the game by the guys' rules and hooking up. She calls out Vinny for sending mixed signals, and he jabs back that her he was probably the best guy amid her "brilliant line-up of men." She spits back that he has no room to talk since he slept with about 40 girls compared to her two guys. She says she can find guys lots of places, such as the library. Vinny: "You don't go to the library." It's true, but Snooki is in a fighting mood, so she tells him to can it.

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Jersey Shore




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