Jersey Shore

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Lady Lola: D | 1 USERS: A+
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Remembrance of Things Smashed

For real, though, these people could argue around the same five facts for the next million years, but it all comes down to the fact that Sammi demanded information -- and would have kept demanding it until they delivered it -- even though she never truly wanted to hear it. It's the classic "Do these jeans make me look fat?" conundrum. Anyone who would have confirmed Ronnie's dalliances would have faced a shit storm from both her and Ronnie regardless. Because they're too stupid, petty, and cowardly to sort out their problems amongst themselves. It's much easier to deflect your relationship issues onto a third party if you drag someone else in. And that's how I spent the last 14 weeks of my life!

Julissa finally turns the topic from showmance to bromance, bringing Vinny and Pauly down to the couch. We see the boys find their

Great White Buffalos, including when Vinny got stood up and the open-ended question of whether Vinny and Pauly decided to "wife up" after all. Both guys admit that dating -- as opposed to the usual smash-and-run -- was a foreign process to them. As foreign as a Romanian and a Cuban, as it were. Julissa asks for the update. Despite Ramona visiting Staten Island and meeting Vinny's mom, both boys have lost contact with their ladies. But who needs ladies when you have your bros? Cue a montage of Vinny and Pauly's blossoming friendship, including slow motion beach scenes and porn-music-accented clips of sunscreen application and neck shaving. Everyone laughs and claps while the guys hug it out, then immediately devolved to "No homo!" They make sure to remind us that their primary bonding experience was dogging chicks, pawning off the grooming circle to, "We're Italian! Italian guys are close like that." Mmmmhmmmmm.

Next, Julissa rounds out MVP by bring out "the missing link" The Situation. A video package of their little boys club shows the guys ditching Angelina on their MVP night out and the unfortunate incident with the non-edible chicken cutlet. Julissa asks about the MVP(R) hierarchy, which Sitch claims is a movable target. Then they give a play-by-play of the hijinks that time they invited two sets of grenades to the house at the same time. They show the audience their pre-club ritual of each putting in a hand, football huddle-style, then shouting each their own initial: "M! V! P! Smash squad!" It's a particularly cringe-worthy "Dance, monkey, dance!" moment in a show chock full of them. Even Julissa can't resist snarking, "Three brains, it took to come up with that." Back off, JHOWW, you're on my turf now.

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Jersey Shore

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