Jersey Shore

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Lady Lola: D | 1 USERS: A+
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Remembrance of Things Smashed

Next up, Julissa asks Pauly to explain his practice of wandering around the house having random, repetitive, some-might-say-Tourette's-like outbursts. In particular, he started the "CAB'S HE-AH!" tradition because getting ready in a synchronized and timely fashion is obviously way too complex for this crew, so the only way he could ensure they'd all make it to the club was by embracing the most obnoxious, attention-getting method possible. Again, I suspect this tactic carries over into all their lives in one way or another. Hence this show. Cue the montage, including such hits as "OH YEAH! WAKE UP YEAH!" and "T-SHIRT TIIIIIIIIIIIME!" the aforementioned cab call-out and the added bonus of "BURGERS FOR THE BOYS!" Pauly interviews that he enjoys being loud, then we get a rapid fire of more verbal ejaculations, a random confessional with him in full shaving cream face and lots of general jumping around and intense stares. Just in case we didn't hear it the first hundred times, Julissa has Pauly say "CABS ARE HE-AH!" once more for good measure. I think my lady boner just crawled into the woods and died.

Now Julissa really probes deep into things, asking MVP about how their impenetrable double standard could contribute to the malformation of young girls' minds and the breakdown of society in general. No she doesn't! She asks about the importance of T-shirt time. Pauly explains that you can't be fresh with a soiled shirt on. Sitch adds that a wrinkled T-shirt means you can't be FTD, which apparently means "Fresh to Death," and I feel really old because I can barely keep up with these damn acronyms. Also, Vinny on occasion had near suicidal jags when Pauly would have T-shirt time without him. There was crying, dry heaving, existential questioning, the works. Such is the power of T-shirt time! Julissa has MVP sing the T-shirt time theme, and I suddenly realize we're not even eight minutes into the reunion. I might have to institute a new tradition: Neck noose time.

Next Julissa calls SamRo2.0 to the hot (love) seat because these two "made life in the house a little more interesting." And by "more interesting," I'm assuming she means mind-numbingly boring and irritating as all Hell. The two of them make their death march to the couch, and I do believe Sammi is one of the last famous(ish) people to don the bandage dress. Even Brooke Burke has stopped beating that dead horse. Julissa asks for a status update on SamRo2.0 Ronnie says they're together, and the camera cuts to the sour mugs on Snooki and JWOWW. Julissa introduces their package by making what is perhaps the most euphemistic statement I've ever heard: "Well, Ronnie, you certainly redefined what it means to be single and in a relationship." We get all the highs and lows (mainly lows) of the fact that these two immature nimrods basically hate each other but aren't smart enough or endowed with enough self-esteem to realize they should aim a little higher, mate-wise. Like the gentleman he is, Ronnie interviews that he won't disrespect Sammi to her face, but what goes on when she's at home crying herself to sleep, well that's fair game. He's in Miami, bitch!

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Jersey Shore

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