Jersey Shore
One Meatball Stands Alone

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Lady Lola: D | Grade It Now!
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"Bacon, Egg, and Cheese... Your Girl Blew Me"

Commercial break: The sweet sound of Snooki going, "WAAAAAAH!" plays in the background under a cue card: "Baby Meatball on board. Congrats, Snooki!" That was just my favorite thing ever.

Seaside. Paul and Vinny have literally made diagrams of their attack plan to flip the Shore House inside out. Vinny insists, "This not only takes muscle, it takes brains..." apparently not enough brains to realize this is dumbass idea. One that includes bringing a kiddie pool inside to simulate the hot tub. Of course, they have to blow it up first. Cue lots of HoYay!

Creepers' Woods. Ronnie and Sitch set up the fire. Ronnie positions the lighter fluid in front of his cock and pretends he's peeing on the fire... for approximately five minutes. Seriously, I think he uses at least half of the bottle. He's very clever that one. Very clever. Even smarter, Sitch throws an entire lit pack of matches at Ronnie and his open stream of lighter fluid. Setting your roommate on fire is hilarious!

Seaside. Danny arrives at the Shore House with the Astroturf to make the inside of the house look like the roof deck. They pull down the hammock and set up the kiddie pool. All the rooms in the house are empty, and their contents are up on the roof. (Am I a total old fogy that I'm freaking out about the possibility of rain?) Pauly and Vinny hit up the confessional to insist this is the prank to end all pranks. It will never be topped. Pauly adds, "Not bad for a DJ and a couple T-shirt pressers."

Creepers' Woods. In a matter of hours, the kids have managed to make the campsite just as disgusting and cluttered with food as the Shore House kitchen. Great job, kids, except you forgot one thing: Bears! The Situation has taken it upon himself to build a fire, by which I mean basically an entire damn tree that he's thrown on the actual pit and is currently dousing with lighter fluid. How many bottles of that stuff did they give these assholes? As he circles the thing, sprinkler-spraying flop sweat, Sammi looks on with the most bored, apathetic expression you can imagine. For her part, Deena fears burning alive. "He's like one of those people," she says, "a hermaphrodite or whatever." The word you're looking for is "pyromaniac," Deena. Thanks for playing!

Not much later, Sitch has fully switched into paranoiac mode. He's still sweating profusely, only now his eyes have gotten crazy. He's swaying and looking into the woods for chainsaw-wielding, hockey mask-wearing assailants. He's definitely drunk-face-wasted, but I think the smoke has also impaired his judgment. For whatever reason, he is also munching maniacally on a bag of chips -- like a carb-loaded belly is going to give him the get-up-and-go he needs in case a homicidal psychopath enters the fray. Everyone tells Sitch to stop acting like a damn weirdo. He tells them skittishly, "I keep hearing noises." JWOWW says matter-of-factly, "Because we're in the woods." Sitch: "That's true." He heads into the tent he's fashioned into a nylon bunker, and the only saving grace of this obviously staged plot-tastrophe is that there are some pretty hilarious cutaway shots of Shifty Sitchy through the tent's zip-up door. What a schmuck.

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Jersey Shore

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